UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – When you don’t know what to do.

My husband Jack and I have a blended family of 5 children, and 9 grandchildren. They are all active, energetic ambitious people and they either go to school or live in different cities all across Canada and parts of the United States. We feel very helpless when our children call us and let us know there is some kind of trouble; perhaps illness, struggles in school, feeling overwhelmed, financial breakdown or a divorce. We feel vulnerable because we are not there to help them. Fourteen years ago, this feeling of helplessness caused us to make a decision that has empowered our lives in a way we could never have imagined. Jack and I made a radical, bold choice to meet each morning for bible reading and prayer.

We could never have anticipated the beauty and power of our morning encounters.  The bible tells us that: “The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results” (James 5:16 NLT).  Here are the wonderful results that have transpired:

1.         When our children call and ask for prayer, they know that we will pray for them and this encourages them with new hope and strength.

3.         Through prayer we change our “worry words into prayer words” and it removes our anxiety and transcends our worries into God’s resources.

4.         It keeps our marriage vibrant, intimate and authentic. Here’s why:

            i.          You can’t stay angry with a person when you know you are going to be sitting beside them the next morning and praying together.

            ii.         Each morning we pray “for each other”.  There is something uniquely powerful about hearing someone express our name in the presence of God.

            iii.        We bless each other. We ask God to unleash the other person’s gifts, abilities, passions so that we are empowered and fulfilled to make a difference in this world. Being blessed by another person through prayer; opens the door for God to pour His favor upon us.  This is a powerful concept available to us to help us find and fulfill God’s purposes for our lives.

            iv.        We declare our love for each other in front of God.

            v.         Through the daily bible reading; we are constantly reminded of God’s great love, power and faithfulness in our lives. This gives us the foundation to go into our days with Godly courage and purpose.

5.         This is our place refuge and hope when we felt helpless.

I know it is difficult to find that quiet time when there are still young children in the house, disrupted work schedules or just plain weariness. It can also feel awkward to sit and pray to an invisible God.  But it’s kind of like going to a gymnasium for the first time when we feel overweight, under qualified and fearful. It takes one bold step to start, and then a lot of smaller steps to begin to see progress and then ultimately feel and see the beautiful results.

There are a lot of struggles in today’s world, but we are never helpless. The greatest and most powerful resource for us in our daily life, but especially our marriage, is the power of prayer.  When we pray, we release our struggles into the hands of a creator God who has supernatural resources available to help us in any given situation. Yes all; deaths, cancer, divorces, financial struggles and more. We’ve encountered them all. When we didn’t know what to do . We pray.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – The “Stop-Start” Walk

This message is not for the faint of heart. But if you are on a quest to radically enrich your marriage and family relationships; proceed with caution and equip yourself with a willing and eager attitude. I am not an advocate of New Year’s resolutions; but I am a big believer in the fact that our life’s journey is enriched when we are willing to embrace that we need to constantly “learn and unlearn”. Here is one guaranteed way to achieve this.

Every News Years Day my husband and I go for a long “New Years Walk”. On this sojourn we talk about the previous year; the blessings, joys, celebrations and what worked and what did not work. Then we move on to our hopes, dreams, desires for the coming year. We also discuss practical items; that we need a new dishwasher and we will probably have to replace the roof in the next couple of years.  Now comes the hard stuff.  We give each other permission to express our thoughts and feelings about what we want the other person to STOP and to START.

This is where the “proceed with caution” warning comes in. We have to realize we are all sensitive human beings; especially when we start to examine our characters, habits, idiosyncrasies and faults. But in order to grow as human beings, and learn to enrich our marriage relationship, we have to tackle those dark, “do not touch” topics. It is crucially important that we approach this conversation with an open heart and understanding; and that we must take care not to get defensive, or feel rejection and blame.  On the other hand; we have to be bold to express our concerns; but they must be lathered in love and with the intent to UNLEARN bad or hurtful behavior and LEARN to grow in compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

It might go something like this:

1.         “Honey, you know how upset I get when we start talking about money. Can we please START a new rule to NOT talk about money after 10:00 P.M.? Let’s pick a time when we are not tired; but open minded and fresh enough to discuss money rationally.”  

2.         “The toughest part of the day for me is between 5:00 and 7:00 when supper needs to get on the table; and the children need baths and bedtime stories. While the children are young, could I ask you to please START to come home from work a little earlier to give me more support during this crucial time. I need more help from you and here’s some ways you can make this time easier for all of us.” (Then list some specific, practical ways they can help.)

3.         “Sometimes I feel like your computer, i-pad and phone are more important than the people in the room. It really hurts me to think that those items take precedence over the people you love.While we are together as a family, could I please ask you to STOP spending so much time on your computer gadgets?”

 4.        “I know that you want to take care of your family and provide well for us. I must confess that the hours you spend at the office, golfing and at the gym are making me feel those things are more important than your family.  I miss you and we need to figure out how we can spend more time together talking, laughing and enjoying each other. What can you do to STOP being away from the house so much?”

These are some examples of tough conversations that need to take place if you want your marriage and family life to flourish.  The bible says, “My dear children, let’s not talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves” (1 John 3:18-20 MSG),

One of the key words in these verses is the word PRACTICE. This is accomplished through LEARNING and UNLEARNING.  Why not get serious this year and help your marriage to flourish through having your first STOP-START New Year’s Walk. It will be tough…but worth it. I guarantee it.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – When Life Squeezes You

“What comes out of you when life squeezes you?” I think about that quite a bit actually, because I’ve had a bit of “squeezing” going on in my life. No matter how I act, or “fake it until I make it”…when life squeezes me, the REAL ME SHOWS UP! It’s not always pretty, but it is the truth. How does this reality affect your marriage; because life can be tough.

©       You find out a child has an addiction.

©       The balance in the bank account is so much lower than you anticipated.

©       You find out your spouse had an affair, or a friend deceived you.

©       Your career change is so much harder than anticipated.

©       Your spouse will not take on spiritual leadership.

©       You found pornographic sites on your spouse’s computer.

©       Some you love-dies.

©       You lost your job.

©       You got a life threatening Doctor’s report.

©       Your daughter told you she is pregnant…. and her son tells you he is getting a divorce. 

 All these things have a huge impact on your emotional state and have the power to pull you and your spouse apart, OR grow closer.  You have heard me say this and I will say it again; “Marriage is hard work, but NEVER GIVE UP!”

 When life squeezes you, there may be different reactions to different events. You may become angry, defensive, blame another person, go into depression or withdraw.  To get through these tough times, please remember my reader friends; that your goal is to “fight the GOOD fight” and not fight with each other. How do you “fight the good fight”: and continue to love each other through these harsh realities? The answers are right in God’s word out of the book of Ephesians Chapter 4.

 1.         BE ANGRY BUT GET OVER IT. “Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.”

2.         DON’T BLAME. “Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.” Seek to understand rather than to be understood (Covey).

3.         BE KIND AND FORGIVE; EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. “Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

4.         ADMIT YOUR FAULTS.“Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayers of a righteous man have great power and wonderful results” (James 5:16 NLT).

5.         TELL GOD WHAT YOU NEED.“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’ peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand” (Phil., 4:6,7).

 When you wake up in the middle of the night and your mind is whirling with anger, doubt, confusion and angst, here are a couple of ways you can incorporate some simple but powerful truths.

i.          Get out of bed and write your problem on a piece of paper.  If you love to journal; take the time to write down your emotions and tell God exactly how you feel.

ii.         Change your worry words into prayer words. Here are some examples.

ü      Instead of worry and saying: “God, why aren’t you doing something; why is nothing changing?” – Say: “God, I know you make everything beautiful in YOUR time. I choose to trust you during this painful time.”

ü      Instead worry and saying:  “God why am I so tired, overwhelmed and why are there so many struggles in my life?” Say: “God you say to come to you when I am weary; so I ask that you help me find time to hide away with you so that I can get a clearer perspective on my life.”

ü      Instead of worry and saying: “God, I feel so broken, gritty and angry and I don’t think my marriage will ever be restored. “ Say: “God, I know that you restore all things. When trees burn down, they grow again. When a bone breaks, it heals, when my heart breaks; You are the healer of broken hearts. I know you will restore everything in my life BECAUSE YOU ARE GOD!

These are simple concepts but difficult to incorporate because they take some hard work.  Ask God to help you get started!  God will hear your cry of help and give you the wisdom, power and strength to get through this difficult time.  I know, because God has heard my cries of anguish over the years and He has always picked me up and set me back on my feet.  There is only one hitch; YOU need to take the first, bold step.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Manipulation or Influence

Women can be powerful, influential leaders in society; but especially in the home. From the time we were little girls, we have learned some tricks to getting what we want.  We may have heard words like, “Oh my, Susie you are so pretty.” So we learn to use our beauty to entice and meet our needs. Or we may have heard, “You are so smart…athletic…creative…happy…”, and then we may have learned to use these power tools to manipulate people to provide things to make us happy or to feel better about ourselves. Manipulation in a marriage has the potential to be a deadly tool that may end up boomeranging and cause built up resentment and hostility in your marriage and family.

Manipulation:I once heard a well known speaker/author-namely Beth Moore, say that “Anything we have to manipulate is rarely ours to keep.” Those words have been seared into my soul because they are so true. Manipulation can be used for good or bad, but its ultimate goal is mostly self serving.  We contrive something to happen by using other people’s emotions to attain our goal. Let me give you an example:

I was raised in a German family and nothing could motivate me faster than guilt and fear. Guilt is one of the most powerful manipulation tools; but leaves a trail of emotional destruction. It makes the other person feel obligated to perform, and its effects are usually short term but can build up years of resentment, anger, bitterness and withdrawal. Other words for manipulation are: Control, maneuver, operate, stage-manage. These are all damaging words when it comes to getting something we want from each other.

Here is how it can negatively affect your marriage and family:

1. You may feel you need a certain number of vacations a year, or you like to constantly re-decorate your home or feel pressured to put your children into too many activities.  When you have to manipulate your spouse to agree with those things that may not be right for your family at the present time, it has the potential to put you into debt; breed resentment in your spouse, and invite unnecessary chaos.
2. You may be trying to get your children to take out the garbage, cut the grass or do their own laundry. If you do this through controlling, guilt or intimidation; you are not teaching them anything. They do it out of obligation, not out of a sense of responsibility or simply being a team player in the family.
3. When we manipulate our husband or children through guilt, fear, intimidation, we are using their emotions to get what we want.  We are being deceitful and treat them like an object for getting our way. This shows a dreadful lack of respect.
4. We are being dishonest with ourselves and modeling dishonesty to our children.
5. We are alienating ourselves from our spouses.  They will begin to distrust us and withdraw.

 Influence:There is nothing more gorgeous than a woman of influence; one who is confident in who she is and uses her power and authority to affect change through inspiration and encouragement. Yes, influence can also be negative, but I believe we all want our influence to be constructive, honest and to bring about beautiful life change.  A woman/wife of influence:

1. Prays for her husband and children for wisdom to make the right choices.
2. Influences through love and grace.  Her ambition is not self-serving; her aspirations are always to inspire the best for every member of the family.
3. She listens to other objections and weights them with wisdom.
4. Instead of using the other person’s weaknesses as a tool for manipulation, she sees it as a place to build confidence and value in that person’s life.
5. A woman of influence has a goal to be a Godly woman, who respects her husband and children.
6. She sees her influence as a long term goal, and not short term satisfaction.
7. She longs to leave a legacy of love, rather than a trail of resentment, anger and dissention.

I know I have the power of manipulation. I can read different people’s emotions and I can come up with the right words to get my way. But I have learned that I am actually lying to myself when I do this, and it leaves a bad taste in my heart.  I want to be a Godly woman of influence; one that uses her God given authority to change the heart of the people in her life into beauty and long lasting value.

What about you?

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-“Broken or Blended – Part 1”

I attended a beautiful, outdoor wedding ceremony this weekend. Tucked among tall poplar, birch and evergreen trees was a beautiful white archway wrapped in morning glory and rich, flowered vines.   Underneath this serene, sacred enchanting portico, a man and a beautiful woman said, “I do.” This was a second marriage for both of them. A second chance.  A new beginning. What joy to know that God gives us second chances for a beautiful life.

My ears were perked. I wanted to pay close attention to the words that the clergy woman was saying; I wanted to hear the words of encouragement she would give for making a second marriage thrive. I have also been married for the second time and I am a great advocate for making it work the second time around. After all, who wants to go through more, uninvited pain? Then I heard the words that resonated in my heart, “you must give unselfish love.” Wow, that’s a truck load of information in one simple sentence.  If we thought we had to give unselfish love the first time around; it will be even harder the second time around.   Because:

1. It’s not just about the new husband and wife. There are many other people involved in this relationship with different personalities and it creates different dynamics.
2. Whenever dynamics change; no matter how wonderful they may be, the change always causes discomfort and often times pain.
3. Everyone has expectations of what they want this new relationship/family to look like. Will your expectations be met?
4. There may still be open wounds from a previous divorce, death, unresolved hurt, grief or anger.
5. If there are children involved, they may be wondering, “Will it still feel like the family I once knew; do I still belong; will I be expected to be a brother or sister to the other children?”
6. Is there enough love to go around?

And that’s what it’s all about…love.  The TV show The Brady Bunch was a lie. It has led us to believe that blending two families is an easy, fun and smooth process. It isn’t. Building any family takes work and effort.

So what does “unselfish love” look like in a second marriage? Life is always about making bold choices to make something work. No matter what situation we are in, the hardest decision we have to make is that we must choose to accept each other the way we are. The Bible shows exactly how this works. “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 14:7 NIV).

So accepting one another just the way we are is the hardest and most “unselfish love” we can give each other. It’s hard when all of a sudden two families are thrust together in one home and the underlying, unspoken statement is, “Ok, now we’re one family and we have to love each other.”  Not easy to do. Accepting each other can mean:

1. Accepting or overlooking irritating habits. Learn to live with them or lovingly point them out or work out some ways to overcome them.
2. Letting go of unrealistic, unspoken expectations. This one is huge. There will be unspoken expectations in everyone’s heart and if they are not met, there may be resentment or outright anger.  Expectations have to be communicated very clearly.
3. Not taking sides. What I mean by this is that we are naturally drawn to our own children; we want them to feel loved and protected. We need to do this without any of the children feeling like you are taking sides and its one family against the other.
4. Recognizing anger, in yourself or the other person, as the outer expression of inner pain. 
5. Speaking the truth IN LOVE. There will be many new issues that will need to be addressed.  Don’t let your words condemn, or accuse the other person.
6. All behavior is purposeful.  If children are acting differently, openly hostile or quietly hiding away, see this not as rebellion, but as them trying to cope with their inner pain.
7. Accepting each other does not mean putting up with bad behavior, unmoral issues, sin or open hostility. These need to be addressed wisely, lovingly and with solid boundaries.

Accepting each other is one of the greatest gifts you can give to grow a beautiful, healthy blended family. It is hard work but it can be done very successfully. It will take a lot of “unselfish love”, something you may not be prepared to do or want to do; that’s why it’s called UNSELFISH.

 Next week I will talk about things a family can do to blend a second marriage; beautifully!

 For more information on a second marriage, please read Chapter 6 in my book SAND TO PEARLS: Making BOLD Choices to enrich your life.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE –“Fences/Freedom – Part 1”

When someone in society breaks the law, the greatest punishment we can give them is to put them into prison. Lock them up; take away their freedom. Ask yourself this question right now, and try to visualize the answer; “What would my greatest freedom look like today?” If you have an answer to that question, let me ask you another question. “Is that picture of freedom within the boundaries of your marriage?”

One of the greatest joys we can experience in this life is to be free in who God created us to be. Jesus Christ died on the cross to set us free from our self imposed prisons of guilt, shame and punishment. Yet, without realizing it, we create our own prisons in our marriages with that ugly word, control. To some degree we are all little control freaks. We have a vision of what life/marriage/husbands/children should look like, and we will be comfortable and happy when that reality matches our internal picture. So we control to make it so; sometimes at the expense of robbing our husbands (and children) of their freedom and potential to unleash their best qualities.  Now hear me correctly on this because there also need to be fences.

I’m not saying we can allow each other to do whatever we please.  If you husband is golfing five  times a week and missing dinners and the children’s bedtime, it is time to have a “fence chat.” If you are spending every evening scrapbooking, out with your girlfriends or on Face book all night, it’s time for your husband to have a chat with you and establish fences (boundaries). There is a fine line between allowing each other the gorgeous gift of freedom, but establishing fences in your marriage that are agreed upon by both of you and that work for you at this stage in your marriage.  

I read a story about a young pastor in the United States who had small children at home. One day he asked his wife how he could help her so that she could experience some freedom. Her response was that the most difficult time for her was between 4:00 P.M. and bedtime, when the children were hungry, tired and cranky. This amazing young pastor made a bold choice to leave his church office every day at 4:00 to come home and help his wife cope with life so that she could experience some freedom. Now, he obviously got some flak from the church staff and members, but his priority was creating a marriage and family that would allow everyone to be the best that God created them to be. That is one example of how we can bring freedom into each other’s lives; sometimes sacrificially.

The bible says this, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Cor. 3:17 NIV). When we allow God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to direct and motivate our lives individually and in a marriage, we will be compelled to pursue freedom in our own lives and the lives of our spouses. If you or your husband are squelching each other’s gifts, abilities, character, personality or God given purpose, it is time to sit down and discover the source of the insecurities which is causing you to control the other person. Control is ugly and will imprison you every time. When we try to control each other, we are not giving the Holy Spirit permission to unleash all that God wants to do in our lives. Control in its various degrees can squelch our personalities, God given gifts and abilities, or abuse our soul to the point where we become depressed, feel worthless and hopeless.  How do we know we are being controlled?

1. Do you wonder/worry or are afraid of what his reaction will be before you make a decision?
2. Do you second-guess yourself when you are being criticized or corrected?
3. Do you give in, shut down or go along with most decisions to avoid anger or conflict?
4. Does he put you down at home or in public?
5. Have you lost friends or other relationships because it would cause friction in the home if you were away a few hours?
6. Do you feel pressure to let him know at all times where you are and what you are doing?
7. Has your family or friends noticed a change in your personality since you married him?
8. Does he check your e-mails, texts and receipts?

There is a huge difference between establishing healthy fences and control.  Healthy fences, defined by both you and your spouse, will bring healthy freedom and joy.  Control will destroy your soul and eventually your marriage. Next week I will talk about how you can find your voice and how this plays out in the various life stages of our marriage.

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Expectations

 Every one of us is a minefield full of treasures. Most of those minefields are pain, frustration, disappointment, bitterness and anger because of unmet expectations. So how does that turn into a treasure?  Follow me along on a treasure hunt. To do that I need to tell you a little story.

 There was a man who ran across American, coast to coast. When he completed this arduous, compelling and harsh task, he was met by the news media, with TV cameras and microphones being shoved into his face. The reporters asked him, “What was the hardest part of this year long trek? Was it the heat in the summer? Was it the fatigue? Was it the loneliness? Was it the relentless distance?” The runner replied without any hesitation, “No, it was the sand in my shoes.”

 Ok what does that have to do with expectations?  Everything! When we have expectations, realistic or unrealistic, and our need is not met, we feel hurt, overlooked, rejected, taken for granted, and we become resentful. Resentment is an inner, poisonous emotion that can be hidden with a smile on our face and a burning, raging fire in our heart. In the meantime, resentment is being formed. Initially it feels like there is a grain of sand in our shoes, an irritation, frustration, an unresolved pain. If we do not deal with this resentment, it will begin to rage in our heart, destroy our peace, sanity and begin to destroy our relationships.

I am telling you this to save you from years of pain which I experienced in my first marriage because of built up sand in my shoes; or resentment. I had expectations that my first husband would just know when I needed help, that he would be able to fix things around the house, that he would take spiritual leadership; and that he would understand my tears and listen to my ramblings. For years, many of my expectations were not met and I let resentment build up. Here is the crazy part. My husband did not know about my expectation, they were hidden in my heart and I just expected him to know them because he was my husband.

So to find the treasures and transform my marriage day by day, from unmet expectations to a new freedom and joy, here is what I had to do:

1. Understand the “grain of sand in my shoes.”  This is a crucial point because I needed to know what had hurt, irritated, frustrated me or made me feel overlooked and rejected. It was imperative for me to begin to understand what unrealistic expectations I was placing on my husband.
2.  Confront the resentment.  Was it downright silly? Then dismiss it. Was it something that needed to be addressed? Then communicate this pain to my husband. Was it out of my low self-esteem that I felt taken for granted or rejected? Then I needed to ask God to help me become more confident and loved by empowering my relationship with God. 
3. I had to release my husband from my unrealistic expectations.  I had to realize that my husband could not read my mind and he is not the savior of my soul. He is not responsible for my happiness. He is not responsible for fulfilling my picture of what a “perfect family” would look like.  He is not responsible for doing all the things I saw my dad do and thought that is what all husbands should do.
4. It was a harsh awakening for me to realize my husband was not responsible for all my emotional needs.
5. I had to forgive.  I had to forgive my husband and all the other people in my life toward whom I had built up resentment.  Forgiveness is the foundation of our Christian faith and if I harbored resentment toward my husband or anyone, it would rob me of all the joy and freedom that Jesus died for.
6. Think Differently. Every time I felt that rubbing of the grit in my shoes, I had to learn to process life differently. God’s truth in the bible and His promises are the only REAL EXPECTATIONS in this life. Then I had to go through all these steps 1 – 6 to being the process of the transformation of my mind.  The process of understanding unreal expectations, to understanding its pain, to confronting the trouble spot, letting go and forgiving…to FINDING NEW JOY AND FREEDOM.

This is a day to day, sometimes hour by hour process. But if it is followed diligently it will be the greatest energizer, refresher, “falling in love all over again” steps in your marriage. The steps are K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple sweetheart), but the beginning stages can be difficult as you begin to unpack that entire deceptive Gucci luggage you both have been dragging around for years.

I pray that God will give you BOLDNESS and TENACITY as you wade through the existing minefield to discover the treasures and new JOY!  For more on resentment and marriage, please go to Chapter 5 and 6 in my book SAND TO PEARLS: Making BOLD Choices to Enrich Your Life.

  

BEAUTY TIP #38 – CHOOSE…and Your Feelings Will Follow

We are obsessed with knowledge.  Then why, to recapture an old phrase, are we “going to hell in a hand basket?” I won’t list all the statistics and atrocities; but you know from your own area of influence what I’m talking about. We seem to be getting smarter but yet insensible. The answer is really quite simple. Knowledge without action = zero.  When we come to an intersection in life that begs action, simply knowing the right answer but not doing anything about it perpetuates more pain, rejection, disappointment, anger, and resentment. As Albert Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

You can talk about writing a book year after year, but if you don’t hit the SEND button on your computer, you will never know if you will be a published author. You can speak endlessly about being a better mother, but if you don’t take one small step to change your routine, everything will always be the same.  Your husband or boyfriend’s pornography is tearing you apart with betrayal and anger, but if you don’t confront it or walk away, it will continue.

When I was in my early thirties, I was a raving perfectionist. One day I looked in the mirror and saw the darkness of my soul yearning to receive love by earning it through perfection. If I had stayed in that posture, I would be an explosive perfectionist today. But I’m not and I believe I have made radical progress.

HOW DO I START?

You start the “change process “by imagining you are stepping into a dark cave. It’s scary and threatening because you don’t know what it’s like in there. This is an unknown-you’ve never experienced or visualized before. Or perhaps you have; and you remember how horrible it was. But you must because your soul’s well being is at stake.

1.      You have been deeply hurt. Your husband/wife walked out on you, someone killed your child, your family has abandoned you or a business partner betrayed you. Until you actually take the first small step and say the words out loud, “I FORGIVE YOU!”…nothing will change. 

2.      You can’t stop condemning yourself. You carry shame from something that happened to you, or something you did or was done to you. Until you take that first small step to walk into that dark cave and confront that “thing”, you will carry the shame for the rest of your life. Look at it, and give it to God who will then carry it for you.  After all, Jesus died for that shame.

3.      You are disgusted with yourself. You have been told “you are God’s Masterpiece” but you look in the mirror and you can’t stand the sight of you.  Take one small to see what it is that disgusts you and make one deliberate choice to change or stop it.

4.       Ask someone to help you if you can’t do it yourself.

You get the idea.  It takes one small step into the unknown, and a deliberate choice to make ONE SMALL CHANGE AT A TIME. Walk into your pain (intersection, frustration or unknown future) and your feelings will eventually follow.

Jesus died so that we could live a full, abundant, fulfilling, joyful life. This life is available to everyone; not just a chosen few. But it takes bold choices along the journey to bring about the future you desire.

KNOWLEDGE + A BOLD CHOICE = TRANSFORMATION. Like NIKE says; “go and do it.”