UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-”What My 2 Husbands Taught Me” (Part 2)

 We don’t “fall in and out of love.”  Love is not just a feeling, because our feelings are very fickle and play tricks on our minds. We have a tendency to think that when we lose that glow of pleasure and excitement in our marriage, that we have “fallen out of love.” Not so. We may, temporarily, have fallen out of “like” for each other, but the love is still there. God places that love within us and it needs to nurtured. In the same way that we fertilize our flowers, water them and prune them, in the same way we need to nurture the love in our marriage relationship.

When we fight FOR the values, intimacy and love in our marriages, and do no fight WITH each other, we will begin to experience a deeper level of that strange word called “love”.

Here are 6 more things that my two husbands have taught me about nurturing a deeper love in my marriages.

1.         RESPECT: Our husbands need our respect, respect, respect. They need this more than sex, words or gifts. The biggest issue here is that many women feel their husbands don’t deserve their respect. Obviously it must have been there when you met and dated, or you might not have gotten married. Go back to that original place in your relationship where you had that respect and deliberately find ways to nurture it. This may mean some gut level honesty with your spouse about why you have lost respect for them and something needs to change. For further information about respect, please read my other blogs in the archives, one of them being: UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-“Cutting down the Male Species”

2.         ASK… for help. Most men cannot read our expressions, body language or minds. Perhaps we assume that “if they really loved us they would know when we feel overwhelmed, tired or unhappy”. But most men don’t have that gut level, inner intuition that you and I have. We need to clearly identify our needs and desires with words that they can grasp.

3.         KINDNESS…is the greatest gift we can give each other. Small acts of kindness cover a multitude of mistakes and oversights. I have learned that “stopping and showing kindness” literally changes the course of conversations, obstacles…life.

4.         LAUGH.  Laughter is like medicine that can cover awkwardness, mistakes and even mends a broken heart. Seek out opportunities to stop and laugh. Sometimes that means going to a funny movie or talking about a hilarious situation that happened in the past. Just last night I sent my husband a funny U-tube and we watched it together and laughed hilariously.

5.         EAT MY WORDS. That means, to chew on my thoughts, play them backwards and forward then eat the bad ones before they escape my mouth.

6.         FORGIVE. Forgive very quickly. Building up resentment not only poisons my soul, but builds barriers. The number one reason for marriage break-ups is “resentment.” Forgiveness is never a last resort, but must always be a first response. We must remember that forgiveness is very hard because it is not a natural transaction. Forgiveness is a supernatural transaction between you, your spouse and God’s Holy Spirit.

The bible tells us very clearly that when we obey His commands, “our joy may be complete” (John 15:11 NIV). In order to have a thriving, intimate loving marriage relationship we must obey God’s command. The bible puts it this way: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:13, 14 NIV).

I know from personal experience that if we are willing, with God’s help, to “fight for our marriage”, beyond our present struggles we will experience our greatest power, freedom and joy. What is one area you will work on today?

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-”What my 2 Husbands Taught Me” (Part 1)

Intimacy unleashes unexpected and strange gifts. At this juncture in life I consider myself mature enough to be able to look back in my marriages and realize how these sacred unions have made me a better person. But, this learning curve was not without some excruciating, self inflicted pain. Fact is, when we take the time for some self examination of our weaknesses and ugliness, it is never pretty. Marriage can be like the sandpaper that rubs off all our pretenses to reveal our true self.

After 28 years of marriage with my first husband, before he tragically died on the basketball floor 2 weeks before Christmas, and now 16 years into my new marriage, I believe I have gained some crucial insight into who I am and what will make me a better, nicer and more loving person. Here is what I have learned:

1. Cut the drama. Men can’t handle a lot of tears, blabbering, emotions and too many dramatic words. They will try to stop the drama by coming up with a quick fix. On the other hand, I just need to talk, vent and explain everything in great detail. I have learned that I need to find the right time and place to discuss a problem with simple, logical words and sentences that are clear and make sense.
2. Tolerance of other people’s irritating habits. It’s hard to believe that I do things to annoy other people…but I do. Being fully aware of this has taught me tolerance for other people’s quirks.
3. Carefully pick the mountain I’m willing to die on. After experiencing tragedies and painful obstacles in my life, I realize most of our difficulties are “small stuff” that will someday fade away and become meaningless. I need to know my values, purpose, situations, and people I am willing to lay down my life for. Everything else is wasted energy and time. 
4. Be authentic at all times in all places. Marriage has knocked the pretense right out of me. Who better to keep me accountable than the person who knows all the good and bad in me? Men, being the born “fixers”, will quickly remind us when we start to exaggerate, twist the truth and make situations look better than they really are. Being “me” at all times and in all places has in fact, given me the gift of incredible freedom.
5. Stay interesting . Stay current in sports, politics and world affairs so that I can carry on an intelligent conversation. 

I believe with all my heart that God puts two unusual people together so they will allow themselves to be “sandpapered” into more beautiful creations. I continue to be on a learning curve…I hope you are too.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – “MISGUIDED “MIS”-SILES

Past hurts make us say crazy things. Hurtful words can be like an ugly misguided scud missile that has the power to rip apart our tender and easily wounded hearts. I have been the receiver and giver of those “miss”-guided words.

Our wounds MAY cause us to misinterpret the intent of someone’s words to us. This is so true in a marriage where we carry on conversations every day of the year. Imagine the “miscommunications” that can occur on a daily basis.

Example:

I am very familiar with the story of a wife who wanted new blinds for the bedroom. She asked if it would be OK if we spent XX dollars on new blinds. The husband immediately responded No.

MISCONCEPTION and MISCOMMUNICATION:

Wife:  She is a home-maker who loves to create a beautiful home. The sun shines into the bedroom at uncomfortable hours of the day.  She wanted to solve the problem.

Husband: He works hard to earn a good income for the family so that the wife does not have to work. He has given in to similar requests in the past and it seems quite frivolous, and a waste of money. Things are tight at work, he is working hard to make a good living for the family but right now the budget cannot afford something as unnecessary as blinds.

Wife: Receives the NO as a hurtful response. Something in her past triggers a wound of not having her needs met and her father sharply saying NO for no reason.

Husband: Feels he works hard and no one seems to notice that he gets no respect or gratefulness for all his hard work. He feels the NO is perfectly justified.

So we are dumbfounded when another missile hits our hearts. We feel unheard, angry, overlooked, rejected and unloved. What actually happened is that there has been another “MISGUIDED  REPRESENTATION” of what was really happening. The wife’s heart becomes more wounded, and the husband feels even more attacked and less respected.  The misguided missiles have hit a vulnerable target and it is another step to a full out war.

Our words have the power to bring hope, healing, understanding and LOVE. But…they also have the power to destroy, crush, wound and…DEATH to our soul.  We need to be aware of the past hurts in our life that cause us to perceive and formulate our own perceptions of the words that we hear.  We are all guilty of that.  It is especially true in our marriages where we have opened up our hearts and made ourselves vulnerable to unguided missiles.

 I have to remember that we live in a sinful and harsh world. All of us have past hurts, and wounded people wound other people.  Now I know there is only one antidote for all our wounds. That is the healing power of grace. Grace in the human form of Jesus Christ who went to the cross to die for all our ugliness and to shed the blood of forgiveness over all our sin and wounds.  The bible puts it this way: “Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (Colossians 3:13 NLT).

When I stop and remember Jesus’ grace to me in the form of forgiveness, a gift I do not deserve,I have to take inventory of my wounded soul. I need to ask myself: “Heidi, how many times did you send a misguided missile into someone else’s heart? How many times have you hurt your husband, mother and children with harsh words that left them feeling condemned instead of loved? What emptiness and unresolved pain in your soul leaves room for feeling “mis”-understood and “mis”-taken?  And now…how will you exercise grace?”Then I have no other option but to fall on my knees and ask for God to help me understand the real intent of the words that were spoken. Then I need to offer forgiveness for any misguided missiles that I have allowed lodging in my heart and infusing anger and resentment. I must do go through these heart checks and make a deliberate choice to forgive, because if these missiles are not detonated with the power of grace, they will eventually explode with resentment and destroy my soul.

Let’s be on a soul mission to apply grace and forgiveness in every area of our lives, especially where there is “miss”-understanding or when we “miss”-treat our husbands and children.  I know that I want God’s grace to permeate every area of my soul…but especially my mouth. I don’t want any of my crazy words to “miss”-fire and accidently cause misery to my husband’s soul. Once words are spoken they cannot be taken back.

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- “The Miracle of Compliments”

“You know what I heard today?” Nancy said that she saw you at the shopping centre and she thought you looked great.  She wanted to know if you have lost some weight.”  Those are words that make our skin flush, our hearts pound just a little bit harder, and our spirits are filled up to the brim with new confidence and joy.

 A “passed along compliment” is one of the greatest confidence boosters. It affirms our sense of value and makes us feel that we just might have something worthwhile to offer this world. I know when I hear a compliment it’s enough to keep me floating two feet off the ground for the next couple of days.

So if a “passed along compliment” has such much power; imagine the energy and strength we receive when our spouses give us a compliment right to our face.  The bible tells us: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thess. 5:11). Do you want to “build up” your marriage? Then start encouraging each other by deliberately complimenting your spouse.

Almost every morning when I leave for work, my husband stops to look at me and then says, “You look beautiful…wow I wish I could spend all day at your workplace, just so I can look at you.”  Now I know he loves where he works; but just suggesting that he thinks I look good and that he wants to spend time with me boosts my spirits and give me incredible confidence. It gives me the courage to face the distractions and challenges of the day because I know some thinks that “I am great!”

Life is tough our there! We need to know that someone in this harsh world thinks we’re OK. If you are not used to complimenting your spouse, or you don’t they he/she deserves it; I boldly ask you to start today.  Push through your feelings of awkwardness, or feeling the other person doesn’t deserve it.  Start complimenting and watch the results.  The joy you will experience will absolutely delight and surprise you.

Here are a few to get you started:

1.            Honey, I just love the way take care of your body by running and going to the gym.

2.            I love it that you read books and keep up with the news; it makes you an interesting person.

3.            Thank you for taking the time to bath the children each night and then read them a bedtime      story.

4.            I love the way you talk to your parents; you have such compassion for other people.

5.            I noticed the way you talked to that lady at the car dealership. You were so patient and                 understanding when things didn’t go the way you wanted them to.

6.            You are so patient with me.

7.            I love it when you take the time to put on some lipstick and a sassy outfit.

8.            I love the way you believe in me.

9.            I love the way you look after the flowers in our yard; our place always looks to beautiful and       inviting.

10.          I noticed you lost a little weight; wow you sure look good.

11.          You are the most beautiful/handsome woman/man in this neighborhood.

12.          You know what; you are totally awesome.

The power of a compliment is that is can actually produce miracles. It can take a dead, dry and unhappy person or marriage, and infuse new hope and joy. By simply speaking some loving and encouraging words., it can “build” a loving marriage.

 

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- “What I’ve learned So Far-Part 2″

I went into my first marriage as a young, insecure nineteen-year-old expecting my husband to love me, fulfill all my desires and complete me as a woman. I was in for a painful discovery that he expected the same from me. I am now in my second marriage and I learned some powerful life changing concepts from my first marriage.

When the policeman stood at my door 2 weeks before Christmas in 1994 to tell me my husband died suddenly while he was playing basketball; I felt like my life had also ended. My future seemed endless and meaningless and when I read in the bible that: “I will turn their mourning into laughter and their sadness into joy” (Jeremiah 31:3), it almost irked me. Well, that’s fine for somebody else, I thought, but I can’t ever imagine feeling joy again.

Looking back I also realize that through our deepest pain, we learn how to have a different happiness…called “Joy”. You see there is a difference. In my first marriage my happiness depended on how my husband treated me. But through the pain that I have experienced, and now that I am in my second marriage, I have learned one of life’s greatest lessons: “Only God can fulfill me and make me joyful.” Happiness depends on my circumstances, but joy comes from the spirit of God. So now that I am in my second marriage, here are some of powerful and life changing lessons I have learned:

1.         I can’t “expect” my husband to make me happy. None of us are wise or strong enough to meet each other’s needs. Most of us are broken people looking for each other to completely love us and fulfill those empty places in our soul. Only God can provide that kind of love. Our spouses cannot possibly be all things to we need for our personal development, and emotional and spiritual health. Our spouses are not the “savior of our soul”. If you and I are not a happy person, nothing in this world will make us happy. We are all responsible for our own happiness.

2.         Let go of resentment…immediately.  We become resentful when we have “unfulfilled expectations” of things we want our spouses to do to make us feel loved, validated, accepted and beautiful. It’s quite easy to keep smiling and let the toxic bile of resentment build in our soul. Yet we have to be aware that resentment is the #1 destroyer of relationships. Immediately we have to confront our own heart with the situation and decide if we are going to let the hurt go, or if we are going to confront it. More detail on how to handle this complicated and painful emotion, is found in my book SAND TO PEARLS: Making Bold Choices to Enrich Your Life (Chapter 5 – Resentment or Sweet Reasonableness).

3.         Men need respect. This is a huge part of being in a loving and successful marriage. I have written about this before in many of my blogs because it is so important. Yet I know it is controversial because many women feel that their husbands don’t deserve respect. But, for men, knowing they are receiving your respect is even more meaningful and powerful than sex, or knowing they are loved. When we know it is so crucial; we have to orchestrate our actions to give our husbands the respect they need. Women need to feel loved, and it is the man’s responsibility to do that for his wife.

4.            Create Story. (This is explained in detail on my blog “Create a Story”). Our marriage is like a book, if the book becomes boring, we put it down. We must create adventure, fun, laughter and stories in our marriage to keep it fresh, and interesting enough to want to be a part of it. We also need to keep ourselves interesting by staying fit, healthy, reading and personal growth. That doesn’t mean when life gets tough and uninteresting we walk away. Absolutely NO! It just means that we all want to enjoy life, and what better place to enjoy it than in the most beautiful union on this earth: marriage.

5.         Praying together. This may be an awkward suggestion for many of you, but my second marriage has remained authentic, interesting, powerful and loving because of the power of prayer in our lives. There are so many struggles, pain and challenges in this life that we simply don’t know what to do with.  So we go to a higher power: God. For the past fourteen Jack and I get up each morning to meet for time of reading the bible together and the spending time in prayer. I personally believe this has been the most beautiful and powerful aspect of our marriage.

Jack and I both believe that everything God makes is very good. “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good” (Genesis 1:31 NIV). We both believe that, when we allow God to teach us how to have a good marriage, we will find the JOY we are looking for.

You will find more information on second marriages in Chapter 6 in my book SAND TO PEARLS: Making Bold Choices to Enrich Your Life.

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- “What I’ve Learned So Far”

Today I am celebrating sixteen, fulfilling, joyful years of marriage. Yes, this is my second marriage. My first husband died suddenly two weeks before Christmas while he was playing basketball. This utterly shattered my life and I clearly recall thinking I would never experience happiness again. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing my once blue, sparkly eyes, now dull grey, lifeless and heavy with sadness. The future seems endless and meaningless.

For those of you are going through a season of sadness or grief through the loss of death, divorce or separation; please hang on dear ones. Joy does come again in the morning. Our God is a God of restoration and second chances.  Even though it does not feel like joy right now, believe it, pray for it and wait expectantly. But I am a firm believer in that we “must never waste our pain.” If it has not taught me anything, then I went through that for nothing. Here are just a few examples of what I have learned being married “the second time around.”

1.         Accept each other just the way you are. The bible says it so clearly and emphatically. Conduct yourselves with all humility, gentleness, and patience. Accept each other with love” (Eph. 4:2 Common English Bible). This is the hardest and most important component of any relationship.  My husband accepts me and loves me without trying to change me. That is one of the greatest gifts anyone has given me. Acceptance says: “I love you just the way you are.”

2.         Listen to each other. When we listen with our eyes, ears and hearts engaging in our conversations, we accept each other and are actually saying: “You are important enough for me to listen to your words.” This validates our feelings and affirms our value as a human being.

3.         Be kind to each other. We live in a harsh, complicated and unkind world.  We need a little kindness to put joy back into our days. Kindness says: “You are important enough for me to stop the busyness of my day and pay a little attention to you.”
4.            Do something nice for each other. This is more than just being nice, it is about doing something nice. I know my husband loves deviled egg sandwiches with pickles and onions. I stopped what I was doing today to make him his favorite lunch. He will in turn wash my car, take my clothes to the dry cleaners or rub my feet when I am tired. It’s these small “nice things” that change our love from just feeling it, to actually doing something to show it.

5.         Overlook small, petty irritations. Yes there are things in life that irritate me, but I have to realize I also do a lot of things that irritate other people. When my husband does things that are irritating (yes we all do), I try to close my mouth, look the other way and focus on all his wonderful qualities. When we chip away at our spouses at all the things that irritate us, we are in fact saying, “I don’t like this about you…and maybe I don’t even like you.”

Next week I will give you 5 more tips. In the meantime, soak up these 5 great points and see which ones you can work on during the next week. I would love it if you would drop me a line and tell me how YOU are doing.

 

 

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-Being a Wife is not for Sissies

The last 2 months I have had many conversations with women all across our wonderful nation of Canada. Whenever I speak at conferences on the topic of relationships, many women take the opportunity to talk to me about their marriages. I confess that right now my heart is just about breaking with the horrific reasons for so many recent divorces. It is not easy being a wife when husbands have so much liberal free access to pornography on the internet. It’s a free drug accessible 24 hours a day and it is breaking up marriages. Many men actually go one step further and have affairs.

 What wife can measure up to the air brushed women that are paid to act seductively? It makes me angry that so many wives feel they have to harness this ugly secret so that no shame will fall on their children and families. What woman should have to carry that kind of burden? This is a rampant disease that is affecting many marriages but I believe it is especially difficult for Christian wives to carry this burden because so many of them feel they have nowhere to turn. After doing extensive research on this topic, here is what I feel the women need to do.

 Do your own research on his topic so that you can take the shame off your shoulders and recognize that it is not your fault. The seed for this need in your husband probably happened when he was very young and it has turned into a full blown addiction.

1. The revealing of feeling is the first step to healing. Talk frankly and openly to your husband/or significant other about this.
2. Get help. Both of you need counseling. The woman needs it so that she can release her own shame; but also to know how to help her husband.
3. There may be accountability courses offered right in your own church or community as this is becoming a well known and rampant problem. Ask your pastor, goggle information or talk to a close friend.
4. This will probably take a long time.
5. If your husband will not get help and he will not change, you will have to decide if you can survive under these circumstances. You know by now that I am a solid advocate for marriage, but not if it will destroy your soul and your families.

When the official Nehemiah was helping the people in Jerusalem rebuild their broken down city walls, and they got tired and discouraged, he said to them; “Don’t be afraid! Remember your God is great and glorious. Fight for your friends, your families and your homes” (Nehemiah 4:14 NLT).

Those are words of encouragement to you. It’s not always easy being a wife, but let me encourage you to take some bold steps to rebuild your marriage by bringing back some much needed honest and open communication. Build on your marriage so that it can flourish…and not die a slow, unexpected and unnecessary death.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Sex or Love

I rarely bring up the topic of sex, because I don’t want “sex lurkers” hitting my blog and web site. But I do need to address this topic because it sensuously invades almost every aspect of our lives. It is the glaring lure or innuendo behind many billboards, sitcoms, TV commercials, romance novels and movies.  It seems as though sex is the driving force that titillates us to catch our attention.  Yes, sex is a very important part of a healthy, beautiful marriage relationship, but we need to understand how it truly fulfills us. God said that “it is not good for man to be alone”; and He created us to enjoy the beauty and fulfillment of that intimate union. But we have to understand that it is the culmination of love, not the initiation to a healthy, long lasting relationship.

 For Women:

We are the emotional creatures and for most women “sex starts in the brain.” I actually say that “sex starts in the kitchen.” If we feel that our husbands meet our physical needs when we need help, feel overwhelmed or listen to us, our brain responds with gratitude and love. When we feel emotionally loved, we can respond physically. But when women are constantly fatigued with the demands of raising children, careers or constant stress and do not get the affirmation and attention and help from their husbands, it is hard for women to respond sexually.

Note to the men that subscribe to this blog: “Fill your wife’s emotional needs and she will respond physically.”

 For Men:

Some of the best understanding on this topic is in the book written by Shauntie Feldhahn, called For Women Only[1]. In chapter 5 of this book she describes in great detail the sexual needs for men.  In a nut shell: “For men sex fills a powerful emotional need.” So you see, this is completely opposite to a woman’s perspective on sex. Sex gives man confidence and assurance that his wife loves him. One man said it this way, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight the fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me. Making love is the salve for that loneliness.”

Note to women: “Fill your husband’s sexual needs and he will respond emotionally.”

All of us are crying out for love in different ways. Especially in our marriages we have to understand each other’s needs so that they can be fulfilled. But the foundation for sex has to be LOVE-otherwise it is just another physical act that will get familiar, boring and loose its pleasure.  God gave us this most beautiful, intimate act to create fulfilling, lasting and pleasurable relationships.  Understanding our feeling is the beginning of healing. I hope this blog helps.

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[1] Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only, (Atlanta, Georgia: Multnomah publishers 2004), 91-108.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – “Un-Complicate Your Marriage”

When life is complicated we get irritated and frustrated. When I drive down our highway I am saturated with billboards that tell me how unsatisfying my life is. But I am told that it will be better when I move into the new million dollar subdivision, listen to THIS radio station, have laser surgery, and find freedom by going to THIS restaurant and never again having to do dishes. For the life of me I cannot figure out our 5 remote controls at home and I almost panic when I get a new piece of technology or kitchen appliance because that means I will have to read 77 pages of instructions. The last thing we need is a complicated marriage. Our marriage is supposed to be a haven of peace and joy…a reprieve from the onslaught of our crazy whirlwind, complicated life.

One of the greatest ways to un-complicate your marriage is by letting go a lot of unnecessary stuff. Like:

1. Quit arguing over unnecessary, non life threatening, energy wasting stuff.
2. Think about this:  What will it benefit you to be right? Give up the power struggles in your marriage; at the end of the day most wins or loses probably won’t matter a hill of beans.
3. How about re-wording and ending a disagreement by saying: “You’re probably right.”
4. Re-think and re- frame your expectations. I said expectations not standards. Everything does not have to be done perfectly or right now. Breathe…let it go….
5. Ask yourself this question: “Will it matter 10 years from now?”  That question eliminates a lot of clutter.
6. Instead of getting mad, say something nice. Kindness defuses offenses.
7. Change the wording in your conversations and re-think your responses when someone asks you to do something, be somewhere or get involved in something. When someone suggests “You should do something”, rephrase it in your mind to, “Yes I COULD do this…I am quite capable, but how will this affect my marriage and family?”
8. Eliminate the small stuff. Yes you’ve heard this before but now go and do it.
9. Spend more time finding things to laugh about and do projects that give you pleasure.

10. Stop taking yourself so seriously; nobody else does.

11. Leave past garbage out of your conversations.

12. Make intentional choices to regain the freedom you were created to enjoy. Find the clutter that is hiding your freedom and reclaim it.

Most of us had a longing in our hearts to be married because we believed that “it is good to be married.” God also designed the concept of marriages to “be good.” One way to make them “good again” is to start with some of the basics in life by getting rid of all the unnecessary clutter and noise, and get back to that place of joy and freedom that we were created to enjoy.

The bible tells us in John 8:36 Amp. Version:  ”So if the Son liberates you (makes you free men), then you are really and unquestionably free.”

I crave freedom; I believe we all do, but it’s not going to come looking for us, we have to pursue it.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – The 5 Minute Miracle

I am going out on a limb and making a radical declaration: “You can enrich your marriage in 5 minute increments.” You are probably thinking, “This is too good to be true!” No, this actually works because I stumbled across this miraculous piece of puzzle in my first marriage. It worked so well that over the years I have incorporated into my present marriage, and other relationships.

One of the biggest, hurtful, destructive obstacles in marriages is that people simply don’t listen to each other. Let’s face it; we hear what we want to hear. We sift out the stuff that hurts too much, the words that we think don’t apply to us or seem irrelevant to the situation.  Women have to say everything with too many words, tears, drama and emotions. Men sometimes don’t say anything at all. Over time, we learn to edit our conversations, stuff away hurt feelings, pull away or become resentful.  This is one of the most tragic components in a marriage.  The number one need in intimate relationships is “that we need someone to listen to us.” We need someone to listen without trying to fix us, judge us or dismiss us or belittle us. We need our spouses to listen with our ears, eyes and hearts so that we feel validated and accepted.

Here is how it works.

 When there is an issue that needs discussion and resolve, you need to set aside uninterrupted time, that is suitable for both of you. This needs to be a place of quiet, where you can hear each other without distractions and loud noises.  Each time there will be one speaker, and one listener.

GUIDESLINES FOR THE PERSON SPEAKING: (Let’s say it’s the wife)

a.         The wife gets to talk for 5 minutes, without interruptions, without responses from the husband; without objections, interjections or accusations. The listener just listens and does not say a word.

The person speaking has to make it clear that these are her feelings. They may not be right or wrong, but that is what they are. They are not to be judged, or defended but to be listened to.

These are the hurts, the feelings of being devalued, overlooked, hurt…or whatever the issue is. It is what it is and the listener has to accept that.

 The speaker also does not accuse, or condemn, but explains more about how she feels: “when you do this, this is how I feel”. This not about accusing; but about resolving a problem.

b.         When the speaker is done, now is time for the listener to respond.  

GUIDELINES FOR THE LISTENER

a.         The listener has to be absolutely quiet for those entire 5 minutes, but actively let the speaker know that they are fully engaged in the listening. They need to make good eye contact and perhaps nod now and then. When the speaker is done, it is now time for the listener to respond and tell “his side of the story”. The listener now has 5 minutes to tell you where he thinks you are completely wrong, where he might agree or disagree and then also pours out his heart and explains things from his perspective.

b.         Again, this is not about who is right or wrong, who did what, dragging up old garbage, accusing, name calling, swearing or belittling. This exchange is mean to resolve an issue so that both parties hear each other’s hearts.

 So to sum it up, one person speaks, the other listens, and then the other person speaks, and the other person listens.

 When we really listen to each other’s words; the kind that come from the deepest parts of our soul, we feel validated as human beings. It restores our self-worth and gives us the courage to move forward with love and determination. It helps to see that we are not alone in our struggles, but that there is another person willing to listen to our deepest struggles, pain and confusion. Who better do help you with that than our spouses?

These 5 minute encounters in my first marriage restored our love, helped each other to understand each other in a way I could never have imagined. There were many times where I felt I was so right in the way I perceived something; but after I heard my husband’s side of the story, I was often shocked how wrong I had been.

Miracles happen in these 5 minute exchanges.  I know; they happened to me and my marriage.