UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-”What My 2 Husbands Taught Me” (Part 2)

 We don’t “fall in and out of love.”  Love is not just a feeling, because our feelings are very fickle and play tricks on our minds. We have a tendency to think that when we lose that glow of pleasure and excitement in our marriage, that we have “fallen out of love.” Not so. We may, temporarily, have fallen out of “like” for each other, but the love is still there. God places that love within us and it needs to nurtured. In the same way that we fertilize our flowers, water them and prune them, in the same way we need to nurture the love in our marriage relationship.

When we fight FOR the values, intimacy and love in our marriages, and do no fight WITH each other, we will begin to experience a deeper level of that strange word called “love”.

Here are 6 more things that my two husbands have taught me about nurturing a deeper love in my marriages.

1.         RESPECT: Our husbands need our respect, respect, respect. They need this more than sex, words or gifts. The biggest issue here is that many women feel their husbands don’t deserve their respect. Obviously it must have been there when you met and dated, or you might not have gotten married. Go back to that original place in your relationship where you had that respect and deliberately find ways to nurture it. This may mean some gut level honesty with your spouse about why you have lost respect for them and something needs to change. For further information about respect, please read my other blogs in the archives, one of them being: UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-“Cutting down the Male Species”

2.         ASK… for help. Most men cannot read our expressions, body language or minds. Perhaps we assume that “if they really loved us they would know when we feel overwhelmed, tired or unhappy”. But most men don’t have that gut level, inner intuition that you and I have. We need to clearly identify our needs and desires with words that they can grasp.

3.         KINDNESS…is the greatest gift we can give each other. Small acts of kindness cover a multitude of mistakes and oversights. I have learned that “stopping and showing kindness” literally changes the course of conversations, obstacles…life.

4.         LAUGH.  Laughter is like medicine that can cover awkwardness, mistakes and even mends a broken heart. Seek out opportunities to stop and laugh. Sometimes that means going to a funny movie or talking about a hilarious situation that happened in the past. Just last night I sent my husband a funny U-tube and we watched it together and laughed hilariously.

5.         EAT MY WORDS. That means, to chew on my thoughts, play them backwards and forward then eat the bad ones before they escape my mouth.

6.         FORGIVE. Forgive very quickly. Building up resentment not only poisons my soul, but builds barriers. The number one reason for marriage break-ups is “resentment.” Forgiveness is never a last resort, but must always be a first response. We must remember that forgiveness is very hard because it is not a natural transaction. Forgiveness is a supernatural transaction between you, your spouse and God’s Holy Spirit.

The bible tells us very clearly that when we obey His commands, “our joy may be complete” (John 15:11 NIV). In order to have a thriving, intimate loving marriage relationship we must obey God’s command. The bible puts it this way: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:13, 14 NIV).

I know from personal experience that if we are willing, with God’s help, to “fight for our marriage”, beyond our present struggles we will experience our greatest power, freedom and joy. What is one area you will work on today?

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-“Falling in Love All Over Again”

“Whenever you were in a crowded room, your eyes would lock into an almost shameful, blushing, intimate exchange. You laughed at everything. The hours couldn’t move fast enough before you could see each other again. He listened to every word you said and you felt beautiful, treasured and safe. Then he asked you to marry him and you couldn’t believe you would spend the rest of your life with this tender, loving, brilliant and caring man.”

For many marriages those feelings and memories seem like sepia prints of an old, long forgotten movie. Your marriage has become more of a business arrangement scheduling the next meeting, family gathering or appointment. “Who will pick up the children at day care?” “Can you stop and pick up some milk and eggs after work?” “When are you going golfing this week?” “Don’t forget we need to be at the Browns on Friday night at 6:00…try to be on time.” Now it’s all about requests, schedule and demands.  The lingering, intimate conversations have turned into impersonal staccato sentences.

 

We don’t just “fall out of love.” We have to understand that Love is not a feeling…it is an action. I don’t believe you fell out of love, I believe you fell out of “like.”  God is love, when we love, it is the essence of God in our life. It doesn’t come and go…it just IS.  Through our deliberate actions we can determinedly learn to love each other again. I know this for an absolute fact.

 I’m not going to give you 10 – 12 steps on how to fall in love again, but I will ask you some thought provoking and probing questions about both of you. But you have to remember that: you can’t change him, but you can change yourself so that he will again see you as the person he fell in love with. Bring the fun and excitement back into your relationship.

1.         What were your motives for marrying this man? Was it because you were afraid to grow old alone, or because you wanted to prove to your family and the world that you were worthy to be married? Or: did you choose to love him for the rest of your life?

2.         Now that you have him, are you still the fun, interesting and attractive person you were when you were dating?  Is he?  What happened?

3.         Have you become more like comfortable room-mates; letting the routine of life make you boring?

4.         Do you still have the kind of home that both of you enjoy coming “home” to? Or, is it filled with tension, anger and endless “to do lists?”

5.         Are you “not in the mood” too often?

6.         Now that you “have him”…are you still interested in his sports teams and the sports equipment lying all over the garage floor?

7.         Do you pursue YOUR passions?

8.         Does he not give you the attention you need and make you feel beautiful anymore? Don’t wait for him to unleash your beauty; YOU take the time to exercise and make yourself attractive so that you will feel beautiful again? When you exude beauty, you will feel better about yourself and he will start to pay attention to you again.

9.         When was the last time you asked him, “Are we happy? What can we do to make our marriage more meaningful, fulfilling and fun?”

10.       What are the things that used to make you both laugh?

11.       Do you pay more attention to the children than you do to him?

12.       Have you become the “macho wife” that controls everything because things “just weren’t going your way?

13.       Have you shut your husband out of your activities and conversations?

14.       When you first met, what were the values and goals that you both shared? What has happened to them?

You see, we don’t just “fall out of love”.  We get disappointed in the way things have turned out, we feel rejected or abandoned and start to nurture resentment. Then we build walls, start to carve out our own existence and perhaps become lonely.  It’s time to break down the walls, pick up the broken pieces and begin to rebuild and restore something that at one time was obviously quite beautiful. God is love, and when we ask HIM to help us love again, I know He will give you the wisdom and desire to help you “fall in love all over again.”

 

 

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – “Un-Complicate Your Marriage”

When life is complicated we get irritated and frustrated. When I drive down our highway I am saturated with billboards that tell me how unsatisfying my life is. But I am told that it will be better when I move into the new million dollar subdivision, listen to THIS radio station, have laser surgery, and find freedom by going to THIS restaurant and never again having to do dishes. For the life of me I cannot figure out our 5 remote controls at home and I almost panic when I get a new piece of technology or kitchen appliance because that means I will have to read 77 pages of instructions. The last thing we need is a complicated marriage. Our marriage is supposed to be a haven of peace and joy…a reprieve from the onslaught of our crazy whirlwind, complicated life.

One of the greatest ways to un-complicate your marriage is by letting go a lot of unnecessary stuff. Like:

1. Quit arguing over unnecessary, non life threatening, energy wasting stuff.
2. Think about this:  What will it benefit you to be right? Give up the power struggles in your marriage; at the end of the day most wins or loses probably won’t matter a hill of beans.
3. How about re-wording and ending a disagreement by saying: “You’re probably right.”
4. Re-think and re- frame your expectations. I said expectations not standards. Everything does not have to be done perfectly or right now. Breathe…let it go….
5. Ask yourself this question: “Will it matter 10 years from now?”  That question eliminates a lot of clutter.
6. Instead of getting mad, say something nice. Kindness defuses offenses.
7. Change the wording in your conversations and re-think your responses when someone asks you to do something, be somewhere or get involved in something. When someone suggests “You should do something”, rephrase it in your mind to, “Yes I COULD do this…I am quite capable, but how will this affect my marriage and family?”
8. Eliminate the small stuff. Yes you’ve heard this before but now go and do it.
9. Spend more time finding things to laugh about and do projects that give you pleasure.

10. Stop taking yourself so seriously; nobody else does.

11. Leave past garbage out of your conversations.

12. Make intentional choices to regain the freedom you were created to enjoy. Find the clutter that is hiding your freedom and reclaim it.

Most of us had a longing in our hearts to be married because we believed that “it is good to be married.” God also designed the concept of marriages to “be good.” One way to make them “good again” is to start with some of the basics in life by getting rid of all the unnecessary clutter and noise, and get back to that place of joy and freedom that we were created to enjoy.

The bible tells us in John 8:36 Amp. Version:  ”So if the Son liberates you (makes you free men), then you are really and unquestionably free.”

I crave freedom; I believe we all do, but it’s not going to come looking for us, we have to pursue it.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Emotionally Vacant

I could see it on his face. The uninterested, bored, glaringly unavailable demeanor that said, “Leave me alone.” I kept glancing over at this man looking for signs of interest; but also to observe to see how his wife was handling this evident, dead space.

My husband Jack and I were out for an intimate, beautiful dinner at one of those restaurants where the linens are crisp, the goblets are gleaming and the service is impeccable.  This was a place for cozy, friendly and loving conversation. I was hoping the couple beside us would also capture the essence of this gift, but the vacant space between them was tangibly strained. I was sensitive to this emotional vacancy because I had occasionally felt it in my first marriage. It’s a horribly, lonely and unloving atmosphere to be in; but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Here’s the crazy part. It is that emotionally unavailable man that has the potential to attract an outgoing, energetic, vibrant woman.  The man’s calm, easy going nature is like a warm balm to a woman’s soul. But once they marry, and over time, the relationship boundaries become blurred. The emotional unavailability becomes a destructive force that makes the woman feel rejected, unloved, overlooked and even abandoned.  At times it actually feels like emotional abuse. The more the woman tries to love the man, threaten him, bicker him to death with demands for change, the more he will pull away. No one will change until they decide they want to change.

 Here is something we have to understand; both men and women can be unavailable emotionally. But your spouse did not stand up in his crib when he /she was a little child and declare, “When I grow up, I want to become emotionally vacant.” Something happened.

 I have talked about this in the past that the main fear for a man is to be controlled by a woman in a relationship setting; especially when the woman demands something from him that he is not able to give.  Somewhere in the person’s growing up years, one of two things happened:

1.         Your spouse was hurt, rejected or did not receive the love that they needed from another family member. The way to protect ourselves when this happens is to close ourselves off from getting hurt again. Protecting ourselves is a behavior that evolves over time in a sub-conscious manner.

2.         Your spouse grew up in a home where one, or both of the parents were unavailable emotionally. This was observed behavior that is now being transferred into his/her own marriage.

The sad part is that emotionally vacant people crave relationships the most but don’t know how to establish them.   

There is incredible hope.

As is the case in all wounds, “revealing is the beginning of healing.”  Each spouse needs to be able to declare their feelings without feeling judged or controlled. The best way to do this is in a counseling session where each spouse is able to make the other person see how painful it is to feel unloved and worthless. Both spouses have to be assured that they are loved and they have to find tools and constructive ways to show that love without feeling threatened.

It is absolutely crucial that you learn to trust each other with your love.  Emotional vacancy is a behavior that is picked up by your children and they, in their growing up years, will also begin to suffer with their own issues of lack of intimacy.

Remember, we are ALL wounded, but God can heal all our wounds and restore us for glorious living and loving.  I’m not just saying these words, I have lived them. I know them to be true.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- Football and Tim Tebow OR: Say “YES” to the Dress

There must be a bit of Cinderella syndrome in us. I confess that every once in a while I love to curl up with my duvet and watch several episodes of Say “yes” to the Dress. I know it’s corny; but there is something magical about watching a woman emerge from a dressing room in a vision of sequence, pearls, silk and layers of beading and stitched elegance. It’s what we envisioned, talked about, practiced from the time we were little girls. Even though we may have already experienced our own enchanted, glorious wedding day, we can still live vicariously through a T.V. show.

Unfortunately getting our husbands to watch a show with endless wedding dresses was not part of his wedding vows when we exchanged promises to honor, cherish and obey. Neither did we agree to sign up for watching football three days a week. Don’t get me wrong; I really do love football, but I must confess that after about 3 hours I am not that interested in how many yards Tim Tebow rushed and the interpretation of each penalty. I want to ask, “So is it true that so and so bought his wife a 2 million dollar diamond ring?” I know that men just don’t get that. There really should be other covenants in the marriage vows for our husbands to sign off on. Such as:

1.         That you will go Christmas shopping with me.

2.         That you will listen to me blabber endlessly about my job when I get home at night.

3.         That you know how to pitch socks into a clothes hamper at 15 feet.

4.         That you know how to change a light bulb in a clothes dryer.

5.         That you will know when I am tired and need help around the house.

6.         That you can interpret my “no’s when I mean “yes.”

There are some things worth fighting for, and some we need to let go. By now we realize we are different people, and God has put us together in a marriage to learn from each other, to grow stronger, and to sandpaper each other so that we can become better people.  

There are some things that give women pleasure that men simply won’t understand. That’s OK, because for those things we have our girlfriends. Nobody understands us better than girlfriends. We just have to talk, and nobody can laugh or cry over nothing like girlfriends. If we spent 4 hours with a girlfriend watching a football game, we would probably re-design their uniforms, try to imagine what their wives and lives are like, and laugh about…well anything. Our husbands will probably never understand how we can talk for hours and not come up with any solutions or fix anything. We are women; we need to talk and watch sitcoms with lots of wedding dresses.  Men don’t need to talk, they want to watch football and fix things.

I am so grateful that my husband will sit with me through at least one episode of “Say YES to the Dress”, but soon he slips away and next I know he’s watching football. That’s OK-we let each other have freedom to enjoy those things our brains are wired for. 

But the wedding vows did say to “cherish”; and that’s what we should do. The Greek word for cheris is “Thalpo”… to soften by heat, as of birds covering their young with their feathers. To foster tender care as of Christ and the Church.”  It is the “heat” in our marriage that has the potential help us understand soften our thoughts and actions toward our husbands. It is to cherish all the wonderful things they do in our marriage-and there are so many. When we take the time to write down all the things we are grateful for in our marriage, we will realize we really do have wonderful husbands. For those things they don’t enjoy doing with us; well thank goodness for our girlfriends.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- “Change the Picture”

When you get together with your girlfriends, what kind of picture do you paint of your husband? I ask this question because the answer to this may determine the type of authority and leadership your husband exercises in your marriage and home.  I am saddened and horrified that I see an escalating movement on television commercials and sitcoms depicting men as stupid, lazy, and dumb. And we wonder why many men are relinquishing their God given authority of leadership in our homes and even churches and workplaces. We wonder why men are withdrawing and finding pleasure not in the marriages and families, but behind their toys, sports programs and recreational activities. 

 The pictures we paint of our husband will have a unique and powerful effect on the way they respond to us. I realize I have opened a can of worms because this is a catch 22 situation. You, the reader may be thinking right now that your husband is all those things I listed above, and he does not deserve to have a great picture painted of him. You can’t wait to get together with your girlfriends to unleash all the things he is NOT doing for you. But I continue to say that the picture we paint of them will determine who they eventually will become.

Last night (January 13^th, 2012) I was fascinated by the interview Piers Morgan conducted with Mark Wahlberg. Mark is an actor, film producer, former rapper, former prisoner, Oscar winner and husband and father of 4 children. Mark was very open about his faith and he probably shocked the whole nation when he openly declared that he goes to “church every morning and prays for fifteen to twenty minutes. He shared that this gives him the strength and power to make good choices throughout the day. He also painted a gorgeous picture of his wife and children. Through his words he upheld her with love, beauty and respect.  I will guarantee that any woman that hears that kind of picture painted of her, will do everything in her power to be that woman.  So how we do that in our homes?

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Did we start painting weak pictures of men because they are weak; or did we emasculate them through the way we treat and depict them?  Whatever the answer is; TODAY is the date we can do something about it. Be assured; if you have painted a bad picture of your husband with your friends, family or even your home, this communication will come back to him. This picture will be absorbed into his brain and, over time, he will eventually become who you painted him to be. “If that’s what she thinks of me; why even bother?”

If you want your husband to take authority and leadership in your home, stop making him feel inadequate and stop controlling all his authority. There are two (2) things that your husband feared when he married you.

1.         That he would be inadequate.

2.         That he would be controlled by you.

I fully believe that you and I both want a husband who will take care of us, treat us with love and beauty. You and God have the ability and power to make him into that man by the pictures you paint of him.

In my first marriage, my husband did not exercise the kind of leadership that I needed and I believe that over time I emasculated him and his authority. Once I realized that I had done that, I began to pray. Almost every day I prayed that:

1.         First of all God would teach me “how to love him the way he needed to be loved.”

2.         That I would treat him with respect.

3.         That I would not take over his authority; but to let him reap his own consequences of his             mistakes.

4.         That I would not control him.

5.         That would not paint a bad picture of him and make him feel inadequate.

What is the visual picture you have of your husband right now? If it’s not the picture you want or need; then repaint it into which you need him to be.  With your prayers, love and support and repainting the picture, OVER TIME, I believe he will become “your man!”

 

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – The “Stop-Start” Walk

This message is not for the faint of heart. But if you are on a quest to radically enrich your marriage and family relationships; proceed with caution and equip yourself with a willing and eager attitude. I am not an advocate of New Year’s resolutions; but I am a big believer in the fact that our life’s journey is enriched when we are willing to embrace that we need to constantly “learn and unlearn”. Here is one guaranteed way to achieve this.

Every News Years Day my husband and I go for a long “New Years Walk”. On this sojourn we talk about the previous year; the blessings, joys, celebrations and what worked and what did not work. Then we move on to our hopes, dreams, desires for the coming year. We also discuss practical items; that we need a new dishwasher and we will probably have to replace the roof in the next couple of years.  Now comes the hard stuff.  We give each other permission to express our thoughts and feelings about what we want the other person to STOP and to START.

This is where the “proceed with caution” warning comes in. We have to realize we are all sensitive human beings; especially when we start to examine our characters, habits, idiosyncrasies and faults. But in order to grow as human beings, and learn to enrich our marriage relationship, we have to tackle those dark, “do not touch” topics. It is crucially important that we approach this conversation with an open heart and understanding; and that we must take care not to get defensive, or feel rejection and blame.  On the other hand; we have to be bold to express our concerns; but they must be lathered in love and with the intent to UNLEARN bad or hurtful behavior and LEARN to grow in compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

It might go something like this:

1.         “Honey, you know how upset I get when we start talking about money. Can we please START a new rule to NOT talk about money after 10:00 P.M.? Let’s pick a time when we are not tired; but open minded and fresh enough to discuss money rationally.”  

2.         “The toughest part of the day for me is between 5:00 and 7:00 when supper needs to get on the table; and the children need baths and bedtime stories. While the children are young, could I ask you to please START to come home from work a little earlier to give me more support during this crucial time. I need more help from you and here’s some ways you can make this time easier for all of us.” (Then list some specific, practical ways they can help.)

3.         “Sometimes I feel like your computer, i-pad and phone are more important than the people in the room. It really hurts me to think that those items take precedence over the people you love.While we are together as a family, could I please ask you to STOP spending so much time on your computer gadgets?”

 4.        “I know that you want to take care of your family and provide well for us. I must confess that the hours you spend at the office, golfing and at the gym are making me feel those things are more important than your family.  I miss you and we need to figure out how we can spend more time together talking, laughing and enjoying each other. What can you do to STOP being away from the house so much?”

These are some examples of tough conversations that need to take place if you want your marriage and family life to flourish.  The bible says, “My dear children, let’s not talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves” (1 John 3:18-20 MSG),

One of the key words in these verses is the word PRACTICE. This is accomplished through LEARNING and UNLEARNING.  Why not get serious this year and help your marriage to flourish through having your first STOP-START New Year’s Walk. It will be tough…but worth it. I guarantee it.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – When Life Squeezes You

“What comes out of you when life squeezes you?” I think about that quite a bit actually, because I’ve had a bit of “squeezing” going on in my life. No matter how I act, or “fake it until I make it”…when life squeezes me, the REAL ME SHOWS UP! It’s not always pretty, but it is the truth. How does this reality affect your marriage; because life can be tough.

©       You find out a child has an addiction.

©       The balance in the bank account is so much lower than you anticipated.

©       You find out your spouse had an affair, or a friend deceived you.

©       Your career change is so much harder than anticipated.

©       Your spouse will not take on spiritual leadership.

©       You found pornographic sites on your spouse’s computer.

©       Some you love-dies.

©       You lost your job.

©       You got a life threatening Doctor’s report.

©       Your daughter told you she is pregnant…. and her son tells you he is getting a divorce. 

 All these things have a huge impact on your emotional state and have the power to pull you and your spouse apart, OR grow closer.  You have heard me say this and I will say it again; “Marriage is hard work, but NEVER GIVE UP!”

 When life squeezes you, there may be different reactions to different events. You may become angry, defensive, blame another person, go into depression or withdraw.  To get through these tough times, please remember my reader friends; that your goal is to “fight the GOOD fight” and not fight with each other. How do you “fight the good fight”: and continue to love each other through these harsh realities? The answers are right in God’s word out of the book of Ephesians Chapter 4.

 1.         BE ANGRY BUT GET OVER IT. “Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.”

2.         DON’T BLAME. “Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.” Seek to understand rather than to be understood (Covey).

3.         BE KIND AND FORGIVE; EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. “Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

4.         ADMIT YOUR FAULTS.“Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayers of a righteous man have great power and wonderful results” (James 5:16 NLT).

5.         TELL GOD WHAT YOU NEED.“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’ peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand” (Phil., 4:6,7).

 When you wake up in the middle of the night and your mind is whirling with anger, doubt, confusion and angst, here are a couple of ways you can incorporate some simple but powerful truths.

i.          Get out of bed and write your problem on a piece of paper.  If you love to journal; take the time to write down your emotions and tell God exactly how you feel.

ii.         Change your worry words into prayer words. Here are some examples.

ü      Instead of worry and saying: “God, why aren’t you doing something; why is nothing changing?” – Say: “God, I know you make everything beautiful in YOUR time. I choose to trust you during this painful time.”

ü      Instead worry and saying:  “God why am I so tired, overwhelmed and why are there so many struggles in my life?” Say: “God you say to come to you when I am weary; so I ask that you help me find time to hide away with you so that I can get a clearer perspective on my life.”

ü      Instead of worry and saying: “God, I feel so broken, gritty and angry and I don’t think my marriage will ever be restored. “ Say: “God, I know that you restore all things. When trees burn down, they grow again. When a bone breaks, it heals, when my heart breaks; You are the healer of broken hearts. I know you will restore everything in my life BECAUSE YOU ARE GOD!

These are simple concepts but difficult to incorporate because they take some hard work.  Ask God to help you get started!  God will hear your cry of help and give you the wisdom, power and strength to get through this difficult time.  I know, because God has heard my cries of anguish over the years and He has always picked me up and set me back on my feet.  There is only one hitch; YOU need to take the first, bold step.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Manipulation or Influence

Women can be powerful, influential leaders in society; but especially in the home. From the time we were little girls, we have learned some tricks to getting what we want.  We may have heard words like, “Oh my, Susie you are so pretty.” So we learn to use our beauty to entice and meet our needs. Or we may have heard, “You are so smart…athletic…creative…happy…”, and then we may have learned to use these power tools to manipulate people to provide things to make us happy or to feel better about ourselves. Manipulation in a marriage has the potential to be a deadly tool that may end up boomeranging and cause built up resentment and hostility in your marriage and family.

Manipulation:I once heard a well known speaker/author-namely Beth Moore, say that “Anything we have to manipulate is rarely ours to keep.” Those words have been seared into my soul because they are so true. Manipulation can be used for good or bad, but its ultimate goal is mostly self serving.  We contrive something to happen by using other people’s emotions to attain our goal. Let me give you an example:

I was raised in a German family and nothing could motivate me faster than guilt and fear. Guilt is one of the most powerful manipulation tools; but leaves a trail of emotional destruction. It makes the other person feel obligated to perform, and its effects are usually short term but can build up years of resentment, anger, bitterness and withdrawal. Other words for manipulation are: Control, maneuver, operate, stage-manage. These are all damaging words when it comes to getting something we want from each other.

Here is how it can negatively affect your marriage and family:

1. You may feel you need a certain number of vacations a year, or you like to constantly re-decorate your home or feel pressured to put your children into too many activities.  When you have to manipulate your spouse to agree with those things that may not be right for your family at the present time, it has the potential to put you into debt; breed resentment in your spouse, and invite unnecessary chaos.
2. You may be trying to get your children to take out the garbage, cut the grass or do their own laundry. If you do this through controlling, guilt or intimidation; you are not teaching them anything. They do it out of obligation, not out of a sense of responsibility or simply being a team player in the family.
3. When we manipulate our husband or children through guilt, fear, intimidation, we are using their emotions to get what we want.  We are being deceitful and treat them like an object for getting our way. This shows a dreadful lack of respect.
4. We are being dishonest with ourselves and modeling dishonesty to our children.
5. We are alienating ourselves from our spouses.  They will begin to distrust us and withdraw.

 Influence:There is nothing more gorgeous than a woman of influence; one who is confident in who she is and uses her power and authority to affect change through inspiration and encouragement. Yes, influence can also be negative, but I believe we all want our influence to be constructive, honest and to bring about beautiful life change.  A woman/wife of influence:

1. Prays for her husband and children for wisdom to make the right choices.
2. Influences through love and grace.  Her ambition is not self-serving; her aspirations are always to inspire the best for every member of the family.
3. She listens to other objections and weights them with wisdom.
4. Instead of using the other person’s weaknesses as a tool for manipulation, she sees it as a place to build confidence and value in that person’s life.
5. A woman of influence has a goal to be a Godly woman, who respects her husband and children.
6. She sees her influence as a long term goal, and not short term satisfaction.
7. She longs to leave a legacy of love, rather than a trail of resentment, anger and dissention.

I know I have the power of manipulation. I can read different people’s emotions and I can come up with the right words to get my way. But I have learned that I am actually lying to myself when I do this, and it leaves a bad taste in my heart.  I want to be a Godly woman of influence; one that uses her God given authority to change the heart of the people in her life into beauty and long lasting value.

What about you?

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Lunch Boxes and Roles

I had a fascinating encounter with one of my colleagues last week. As I walked by his work area I saw him pulling items out of his lunch cooler and describing each item to a customer.  The encounter looked so intriguing that I was curious to see what all the fuss was about. I went up to his counter and say, “So Colin (not his real name), what’s going on here?”  His face lit up and he could hardly wait to show me his lunch. “Look at these barbecued ribs, a salad with homemade dressing on the side and real bacon bits. And look, here are roasted potatoes, a drink, cutlery, salt and pepper and a little dessert.” My mouth hung open and I said, “Wow, you go to a lot of trouble with your lunches.” “Oh no”, he responded, “My wife always packs my lunch. She’s amazing!”

Now my mouth hung open even further. Then I told him, “Do you know how lucky you are, because if you were married to me, I would not be packing your lunches. My husband and I pack our own lunches.” Then he continued to inform me that his wife does not work; he is the breadwinner. He in fact, brings home the bacon and she cooks it.  Then he sealed the conversation with these rich words, “I treat her like a queen and she loves doing things for me. I tell her every day how much I love and appreciate everything she does for me. I love what I do, and she loves what she does.”

I walked away with a smile on my face because I just heard the story of a husband and wife who felt fulfilled in their respective roles.  I saw the absolute joy in my friend’s life as he talked about his wife; his love for her was radiantly obvious.  This was not a newly married couple; they have been married for years and have several children, and yet throughout their journey, they have been able to forge out their necessary roles. They made a sacrificial choice for his wife to stay home to raise the children. They obviously honored each other in their respective situations.

I’m not staying this is the perfect template or module for families. This works for their family. Each family has to define their roles, and then to honor and respect each other in those roles.

©      I know several families where the decision has been made for the dad to be the stay-at-home parent while the children are growing up. One of my sons-in-laws did this for several years and helped to raise phenomenal boys.

©      When both husband and wife work, decisions have to be made where the responsibilities are split so that each member of the family feels fulfilled but not overwhelmed.

©      When my children were little, I did not feel fulfilled being at home every day with my little ones. After my husband agreed that I could take on a part time job; those few hours out of the house stimulated my mind enough to make my days at home with the children a joy and a privilege.

We all need encouragement in our roles, because most days many of us are weary. If we do not feel fulfilled; we will build up resentment and we will not do things for each other with the joy that I saw in my friend’s eyes. 

If you and your spouse feel weary, resentful or angry about “all the things you have to do” and you don’t get any help; it’s time to start some serious conversations about defining your roles.

God designed marriage to be GOOD, and I pray that none of you settle for less.