UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – “IF YOU HAD ONE WISH”

If I had one wish that would get answered with the snap of a finger, it would be “to help restore marriages so that everyone can enjoy the pleasure and intimacy in the way God designed marriages to be.” It breaks my heart to see spouses angry, unhappy, resentful and turning to the searing pain of divorce.

If you had one wish for YOUR marriage to make it the way you envisioned it to be, what would that be? But let’s take it one step further, because marriages need more than a wish and a swish of a magical wand. A wish can sometimes look like this: Wishing you spouse would stop leaving socks on the floor, start putting down the toilet seat, stop playing so much golf, stop working so much, start helping with the children at bath time. Wishing something supernaturally would fall from the sky to change the dynamics and picture.

Let’s change that “wishing” to an “expectation.”
They look the same but there is a difference. “Expectations” put action (legs) to the word “wish”. We EXPECT something to happen or change. We no longer TOLERATE the status quo and we work towards helping to make that change. We open our hearts to embrace the change that needs to happen and we will assist, co-operate, make plans and partner with our spouses to bring about the needed change. Here are some examples:
1. My friend Larry’s wife had an aneurysm and he wrote about it on my previous blog. He did not just “wish” his wife Janet to heal and recover; he expected it to happen. He made a commitment to his wife to live up to his marriage vows. Every day he prays and asks God for help, he expects his friends and neighbors to jump in and help when necessary, and he actually puts words to his requests so that he knows this will happen.
2. In my first marriage I always wished that my husband would know when I was tired and needed help in the kitchen. I wished he would take his eyes off the Monday night football TV screen and rush into the kitchen or laundry room to help me. It never happened. I was no longer satisfied with the present status quo and realized my “wishing” was getting me nowhere. I then used words to express my “expectations” that I needed help and clearly explained what that help looked like. It perpetuated the desired change.
3. In my present marriage I expect my husband to help me with my income tax, advise me on my car repairs, speak to me kindly and to take out the garbage each Monday. I don’t just “wish” for this to happen, I have put words to those expectations and we have a mutual understanding that this will transpire. It does.

Because of my husband’s and my mutual desire to have a loving, strong and intimate marriage, we don’t silently wish for something to happen, we use words to express our expectations and then EXPECT them to happen. When they don’t happen, we talk about it.

Turning a wish into an expectation can turn resentment into appreciation and love. But we can’t successfully do this on our own, we need God’s help to guide us through this process. The Bible puts it this way: “In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation” (Psalm 5:3 NIV).

We pray to God with clear words of expectation for Him to help us in our marriage. Marriage can be hard and we need a supernatural power to guide us through the complicated maze of turning wishes into fulfilling expectations. This is much bigger than ourselves; God created marriage to be good and He is the One who can help make this happen.
What is one wish…no expectation…that you have for your marriage? Ask God help you and then expect it to happen.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – The Brilliance and Power of Seeds

 

Every time I open my mouth I plant a seed.  There are days I wish this was not true, but there is no escape from this spiritual law. Surely those subtle, sarcastic remarks when I am standing in a tedious, long line-up can’t have much power. After all, I will probably never again encounter the people who heard them. But I have come to realize that you and I hold an astonishing power that can be absolutely brilliant or beastly.  It’s the words that come out of our mouths.

My son-in-law Tim runs a huge farming operation in Southern Alberta. I love to drive by his fields and see the yellow canola, the rich beans, barley or the thirty other seeds he may have planted that year.  Whatever seeds he plants…that is what will grow and be produced. When he plants flax he does not get peas. When he plants canola he does not get barley. There is no getting around this.

Imagine the influence and brilliance of the words I speak in my home to my children or my husband.  I have the staggering power to bring hope, joy and peace into my home simply by opening my mouth. But unfortunately that same concept works with my ugly words. When I blame and accuse; blame and accusations will come back on me. When I criticize; criticism will come back on me. This may occur in the next hour, day, month or year. We may think we got away with our ugly words-but we do not.

None of us can get around this spiritual law no matter how hard we try. The bible says it this way: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction, the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life” (Galatians 5:7, 8 NIV).

Life is too short to play around with this kind of dynamite. I am serious about planting great seeds in 2013. I choose to have my words give life whenever I open my mouth.  The bible puts it this way: “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose” (Proverbs 18:21 MSG).

How will I do that?

1.         Be fully aware that every time I open my mouth I have the power to evoke  life or death.

2.         Stay immersed in God’s word (the Bible) so that the Spirit of God can have full access to every part of me…every day.

3.         Our minds can only have one thought at a time. I must STOP and pray and ask God to      help me control the ugly words before they escape my mouth. By the time my prayer is     finished, God will have helped me to overcome that momentary feeling.

4.         God has given me this space of time in the history to do something significant with my    life. I don’t want to miss this glorious moment.  

My dear friends, in our homes are the most important people in our lives. We literally have the brilliant power to make them feel respected, valuable and cherished. Or, we can destroy their spirits by crushing them with our words. The choice is always ours.

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Blended Family Reunions

Many months ago my husband Jack and I announced: “It’s time for a Family Reunion!” It makes we wonder if some of our children secretly shuddered when they heard that we wanted everyone to come home for 3 days of blended bliss. Let’s be realistic, it’s not always easy blending two families! When you have a mixture of 19 people, all with different personalities, career paths and opinions, and who live spread across Canada and the United States, you have a potpourri of blended surprise.

 

This blog is to pay a tribute to my wonderful family, because I am so proud of each and every one of them. Some of our children and grandchildren had not seen each other for a long time, and yet I observed intentional acceptance and love. Here are some tips as to what I believe made our “Blended Family Reunion” a tremendous time of fun and blessing. I hope some of these ideas will help you.

1.         For many months, my husband Jack and I prayed for each of our children and grandchildren; that our home would be a place of love and acceptance.

2.         For weeks leading up to the reunion, I sent regular e-mails and videos of what everyone could expect, along with information of upcoming surprises.

3.         I asked different children to become involved and “host” different aspects of the event.  Here are some of their tremendous ideas that were incorporated.

            i. A “Whacky Putting Competition”.

            ii. A “Back to the Future 80’s Night”.  This was an astounding success! We asked everyone to come prepared to engage in the fun by dressing in the 80’s theme. My son-in-law Tim set up a projector and huge screen in our back yard. Sprawled out on duvets, blankets and munching popcorn under the stars, we watched the movie “Back to the Future”. What a blast.

            iii. I arranged an afternoon of “The Amazing Race.” This was a 3-1/2 hour adventure of teams of 4 people that had to accomplish certain tasks around the City of Kelowna. The incredible stories we heard of their whacky adventures had us laughing late into the night.

            iii. “An Italian Grill Night.” This was hosted by my son Donovan who astounded us with a feast of delights that put smiles on all our faces.

            iv.  Thanksgiving Prayers. I had asked everyone to bring a sample of something that depicted the city and country where they lived. We had seeds from Alberta, sea shells and driftwood from Vancouver Island, fruit and an American top hat in the middle of our dining room table. We stood in a circle around the table, holding hands and giving thanks to God for all the different and wonderful places we live, and all our unique lives. It was a visible display that when we take the different aspects of our lives and when they are gathered together; they are all breathtakingly beautiful. There was so much to be thankful for. Before each meal, we always stood in a circle, holding hands and praying a blessing over the meal and over each other.

            v. A Blessing Night. Jack and I wrote a blessing for each of our grandchildren, together with a bible verse and prayer. We also had special lanyards engraved that said “Conley-McLaughlin Reunion 2012”.  As each child received their blessing and lanyard, they were told that they are a family star. 

4.         The most important, visual evidence I saw all weekend was the word “acceptance.”  Let’s face it, we are all a bit quirky and we all see the world through a different set of lenses. Yet I believe that every child that walked through our front door at the beginning of the reunion came with this intention written on their hearts: “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 15:7 NIV).

We can be as creative as humanly possible, have good intentions for getting along-but if we do not ACCEPT EACH OTHER, in the same way that Christ has accepted us with all our sins and junk, then we cannot have those loving and intimate relationships. So I believe in order to have a successful Family Reunion, it has to begin by accepting each other. Then throw in a lot of fun and laughter and good food, and you have the ingredients for a Family Reunion that will imprint all out hearts for years to come.

 

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- “What I’ve learned So Far-Part 2″

I went into my first marriage as a young, insecure nineteen-year-old expecting my husband to love me, fulfill all my desires and complete me as a woman. I was in for a painful discovery that he expected the same from me. I am now in my second marriage and I learned some powerful life changing concepts from my first marriage.

When the policeman stood at my door 2 weeks before Christmas in 1994 to tell me my husband died suddenly while he was playing basketball; I felt like my life had also ended. My future seemed endless and meaningless and when I read in the bible that: “I will turn their mourning into laughter and their sadness into joy” (Jeremiah 31:3), it almost irked me. Well, that’s fine for somebody else, I thought, but I can’t ever imagine feeling joy again.

Looking back I also realize that through our deepest pain, we learn how to have a different happiness…called “Joy”. You see there is a difference. In my first marriage my happiness depended on how my husband treated me. But through the pain that I have experienced, and now that I am in my second marriage, I have learned one of life’s greatest lessons: “Only God can fulfill me and make me joyful.” Happiness depends on my circumstances, but joy comes from the spirit of God. So now that I am in my second marriage, here are some of powerful and life changing lessons I have learned:

1.         I can’t “expect” my husband to make me happy. None of us are wise or strong enough to meet each other’s needs. Most of us are broken people looking for each other to completely love us and fulfill those empty places in our soul. Only God can provide that kind of love. Our spouses cannot possibly be all things to we need for our personal development, and emotional and spiritual health. Our spouses are not the “savior of our soul”. If you and I are not a happy person, nothing in this world will make us happy. We are all responsible for our own happiness.

2.         Let go of resentment…immediately.  We become resentful when we have “unfulfilled expectations” of things we want our spouses to do to make us feel loved, validated, accepted and beautiful. It’s quite easy to keep smiling and let the toxic bile of resentment build in our soul. Yet we have to be aware that resentment is the #1 destroyer of relationships. Immediately we have to confront our own heart with the situation and decide if we are going to let the hurt go, or if we are going to confront it. More detail on how to handle this complicated and painful emotion, is found in my book SAND TO PEARLS: Making Bold Choices to Enrich Your Life (Chapter 5 – Resentment or Sweet Reasonableness).

3.         Men need respect. This is a huge part of being in a loving and successful marriage. I have written about this before in many of my blogs because it is so important. Yet I know it is controversial because many women feel that their husbands don’t deserve respect. But, for men, knowing they are receiving your respect is even more meaningful and powerful than sex, or knowing they are loved. When we know it is so crucial; we have to orchestrate our actions to give our husbands the respect they need. Women need to feel loved, and it is the man’s responsibility to do that for his wife.

4.            Create Story. (This is explained in detail on my blog “Create a Story”). Our marriage is like a book, if the book becomes boring, we put it down. We must create adventure, fun, laughter and stories in our marriage to keep it fresh, and interesting enough to want to be a part of it. We also need to keep ourselves interesting by staying fit, healthy, reading and personal growth. That doesn’t mean when life gets tough and uninteresting we walk away. Absolutely NO! It just means that we all want to enjoy life, and what better place to enjoy it than in the most beautiful union on this earth: marriage.

5.         Praying together. This may be an awkward suggestion for many of you, but my second marriage has remained authentic, interesting, powerful and loving because of the power of prayer in our lives. There are so many struggles, pain and challenges in this life that we simply don’t know what to do with.  So we go to a higher power: God. For the past fourteen Jack and I get up each morning to meet for time of reading the bible together and the spending time in prayer. I personally believe this has been the most beautiful and powerful aspect of our marriage.

Jack and I both believe that everything God makes is very good. “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good” (Genesis 1:31 NIV). We both believe that, when we allow God to teach us how to have a good marriage, we will find the JOY we are looking for.

You will find more information on second marriages in Chapter 6 in my book SAND TO PEARLS: Making Bold Choices to Enrich Your Life.

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- “What I’ve Learned So Far”

Today I am celebrating sixteen, fulfilling, joyful years of marriage. Yes, this is my second marriage. My first husband died suddenly two weeks before Christmas while he was playing basketball. This utterly shattered my life and I clearly recall thinking I would never experience happiness again. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing my once blue, sparkly eyes, now dull grey, lifeless and heavy with sadness. The future seems endless and meaningless.

For those of you are going through a season of sadness or grief through the loss of death, divorce or separation; please hang on dear ones. Joy does come again in the morning. Our God is a God of restoration and second chances.  Even though it does not feel like joy right now, believe it, pray for it and wait expectantly. But I am a firm believer in that we “must never waste our pain.” If it has not taught me anything, then I went through that for nothing. Here are just a few examples of what I have learned being married “the second time around.”

1.         Accept each other just the way you are. The bible says it so clearly and emphatically. Conduct yourselves with all humility, gentleness, and patience. Accept each other with love” (Eph. 4:2 Common English Bible). This is the hardest and most important component of any relationship.  My husband accepts me and loves me without trying to change me. That is one of the greatest gifts anyone has given me. Acceptance says: “I love you just the way you are.”

2.         Listen to each other. When we listen with our eyes, ears and hearts engaging in our conversations, we accept each other and are actually saying: “You are important enough for me to listen to your words.” This validates our feelings and affirms our value as a human being.

3.         Be kind to each other. We live in a harsh, complicated and unkind world.  We need a little kindness to put joy back into our days. Kindness says: “You are important enough for me to stop the busyness of my day and pay a little attention to you.”
4.            Do something nice for each other. This is more than just being nice, it is about doing something nice. I know my husband loves deviled egg sandwiches with pickles and onions. I stopped what I was doing today to make him his favorite lunch. He will in turn wash my car, take my clothes to the dry cleaners or rub my feet when I am tired. It’s these small “nice things” that change our love from just feeling it, to actually doing something to show it.

5.         Overlook small, petty irritations. Yes there are things in life that irritate me, but I have to realize I also do a lot of things that irritate other people. When my husband does things that are irritating (yes we all do), I try to close my mouth, look the other way and focus on all his wonderful qualities. When we chip away at our spouses at all the things that irritate us, we are in fact saying, “I don’t like this about you…and maybe I don’t even like you.”

Next week I will give you 5 more tips. In the meantime, soak up these 5 great points and see which ones you can work on during the next week. I would love it if you would drop me a line and tell me how YOU are doing.

 

 

 

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-Being a Wife is not for Sissies

The last 2 months I have had many conversations with women all across our wonderful nation of Canada. Whenever I speak at conferences on the topic of relationships, many women take the opportunity to talk to me about their marriages. I confess that right now my heart is just about breaking with the horrific reasons for so many recent divorces. It is not easy being a wife when husbands have so much liberal free access to pornography on the internet. It’s a free drug accessible 24 hours a day and it is breaking up marriages. Many men actually go one step further and have affairs.

 What wife can measure up to the air brushed women that are paid to act seductively? It makes me angry that so many wives feel they have to harness this ugly secret so that no shame will fall on their children and families. What woman should have to carry that kind of burden? This is a rampant disease that is affecting many marriages but I believe it is especially difficult for Christian wives to carry this burden because so many of them feel they have nowhere to turn. After doing extensive research on this topic, here is what I feel the women need to do.

 Do your own research on his topic so that you can take the shame off your shoulders and recognize that it is not your fault. The seed for this need in your husband probably happened when he was very young and it has turned into a full blown addiction.

1. The revealing of feeling is the first step to healing. Talk frankly and openly to your husband/or significant other about this.
2. Get help. Both of you need counseling. The woman needs it so that she can release her own shame; but also to know how to help her husband.
3. There may be accountability courses offered right in your own church or community as this is becoming a well known and rampant problem. Ask your pastor, goggle information or talk to a close friend.
4. This will probably take a long time.
5. If your husband will not get help and he will not change, you will have to decide if you can survive under these circumstances. You know by now that I am a solid advocate for marriage, but not if it will destroy your soul and your families.

When the official Nehemiah was helping the people in Jerusalem rebuild their broken down city walls, and they got tired and discouraged, he said to them; “Don’t be afraid! Remember your God is great and glorious. Fight for your friends, your families and your homes” (Nehemiah 4:14 NLT).

Those are words of encouragement to you. It’s not always easy being a wife, but let me encourage you to take some bold steps to rebuild your marriage by bringing back some much needed honest and open communication. Build on your marriage so that it can flourish…and not die a slow, unexpected and unnecessary death.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Emotionally Vacant

I could see it on his face. The uninterested, bored, glaringly unavailable demeanor that said, “Leave me alone.” I kept glancing over at this man looking for signs of interest; but also to observe to see how his wife was handling this evident, dead space.

My husband Jack and I were out for an intimate, beautiful dinner at one of those restaurants where the linens are crisp, the goblets are gleaming and the service is impeccable.  This was a place for cozy, friendly and loving conversation. I was hoping the couple beside us would also capture the essence of this gift, but the vacant space between them was tangibly strained. I was sensitive to this emotional vacancy because I had occasionally felt it in my first marriage. It’s a horribly, lonely and unloving atmosphere to be in; but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Here’s the crazy part. It is that emotionally unavailable man that has the potential to attract an outgoing, energetic, vibrant woman.  The man’s calm, easy going nature is like a warm balm to a woman’s soul. But once they marry, and over time, the relationship boundaries become blurred. The emotional unavailability becomes a destructive force that makes the woman feel rejected, unloved, overlooked and even abandoned.  At times it actually feels like emotional abuse. The more the woman tries to love the man, threaten him, bicker him to death with demands for change, the more he will pull away. No one will change until they decide they want to change.

 Here is something we have to understand; both men and women can be unavailable emotionally. But your spouse did not stand up in his crib when he /she was a little child and declare, “When I grow up, I want to become emotionally vacant.” Something happened.

 I have talked about this in the past that the main fear for a man is to be controlled by a woman in a relationship setting; especially when the woman demands something from him that he is not able to give.  Somewhere in the person’s growing up years, one of two things happened:

1.         Your spouse was hurt, rejected or did not receive the love that they needed from another family member. The way to protect ourselves when this happens is to close ourselves off from getting hurt again. Protecting ourselves is a behavior that evolves over time in a sub-conscious manner.

2.         Your spouse grew up in a home where one, or both of the parents were unavailable emotionally. This was observed behavior that is now being transferred into his/her own marriage.

The sad part is that emotionally vacant people crave relationships the most but don’t know how to establish them.   

There is incredible hope.

As is the case in all wounds, “revealing is the beginning of healing.”  Each spouse needs to be able to declare their feelings without feeling judged or controlled. The best way to do this is in a counseling session where each spouse is able to make the other person see how painful it is to feel unloved and worthless. Both spouses have to be assured that they are loved and they have to find tools and constructive ways to show that love without feeling threatened.

It is absolutely crucial that you learn to trust each other with your love.  Emotional vacancy is a behavior that is picked up by your children and they, in their growing up years, will also begin to suffer with their own issues of lack of intimacy.

Remember, we are ALL wounded, but God can heal all our wounds and restore us for glorious living and loving.  I’m not just saying these words, I have lived them. I know them to be true.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – When you don’t know what to do.

My husband Jack and I have a blended family of 5 children, and 9 grandchildren. They are all active, energetic ambitious people and they either go to school or live in different cities all across Canada and parts of the United States. We feel very helpless when our children call us and let us know there is some kind of trouble; perhaps illness, struggles in school, feeling overwhelmed, financial breakdown or a divorce. We feel vulnerable because we are not there to help them. Fourteen years ago, this feeling of helplessness caused us to make a decision that has empowered our lives in a way we could never have imagined. Jack and I made a radical, bold choice to meet each morning for bible reading and prayer.

We could never have anticipated the beauty and power of our morning encounters.  The bible tells us that: “The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results” (James 5:16 NLT).  Here are the wonderful results that have transpired:

1.         When our children call and ask for prayer, they know that we will pray for them and this encourages them with new hope and strength.

3.         Through prayer we change our “worry words into prayer words” and it removes our anxiety and transcends our worries into God’s resources.

4.         It keeps our marriage vibrant, intimate and authentic. Here’s why:

            i.          You can’t stay angry with a person when you know you are going to be sitting beside them the next morning and praying together.

            ii.         Each morning we pray “for each other”.  There is something uniquely powerful about hearing someone express our name in the presence of God.

            iii.        We bless each other. We ask God to unleash the other person’s gifts, abilities, passions so that we are empowered and fulfilled to make a difference in this world. Being blessed by another person through prayer; opens the door for God to pour His favor upon us.  This is a powerful concept available to us to help us find and fulfill God’s purposes for our lives.

            iv.        We declare our love for each other in front of God.

            v.         Through the daily bible reading; we are constantly reminded of God’s great love, power and faithfulness in our lives. This gives us the foundation to go into our days with Godly courage and purpose.

5.         This is our place refuge and hope when we felt helpless.

I know it is difficult to find that quiet time when there are still young children in the house, disrupted work schedules or just plain weariness. It can also feel awkward to sit and pray to an invisible God.  But it’s kind of like going to a gymnasium for the first time when we feel overweight, under qualified and fearful. It takes one bold step to start, and then a lot of smaller steps to begin to see progress and then ultimately feel and see the beautiful results.

There are a lot of struggles in today’s world, but we are never helpless. The greatest and most powerful resource for us in our daily life, but especially our marriage, is the power of prayer.  When we pray, we release our struggles into the hands of a creator God who has supernatural resources available to help us in any given situation. Yes all; deaths, cancer, divorces, financial struggles and more. We’ve encountered them all. When we didn’t know what to do . We pray.