My husband is the pastor to the 55 and older generation in our local church. Every year there is a celebration for those who have been married 50, 60 or 70 years.  I listen intently to the stories of “how their marriages stayed together for all those years.” I need to glean their practical, lived out in real life…wisdom.  There is something so incredibly beautiful about an older couple walking along holdings hands and still smiling at each other. 

 After talking to many of them over the years, I have learned that their original endorphin, chemically induced feelings of “falling in love” took on different dimensions over the years. It went from “feeling” of love to “being” in love.  The transitional word is the word “ACTION.” Here is how some of them describe it:

1.         Learning to look past the daily irritations. We all have irritating habits. Why are his worse than mine? They’re not.

2.         Becoming a servant to each other. It is like the description of a waiter in a restaurant who walks over to you with a servant towel over his arm attending to your needs, cleaning up your spilled messes and cleaning after you when you leave. “Towel servant hood” is vital to the health and strength of marriages because God designed marriage so that spouses can “help each other.”

3.         Learning to be patient. God placed people together to “sandpaper” each other to make us into the people He designed us to be. Did you see that word “learning” in there? Patience is listed as the first fruit of the Spirit, because learning patience is one of the hardest things we can learn in this life. God gives us spouses to help us to become more beautiful from the inside out.

4.         Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness. We will be hurt in our marriage. Period. The success of our marriage is determined by the choices we make when we are hurt. Yes, there may be infidelity, rejection, betrayal, hidden addictions, hurtful words, emotional absence, unfulfilled expectations and so more much.  What we do with those hurts is what determines the strength, vitality and joy in our marriage.

5.         Yes, there is abuse in marriages and with God’s wisdom and counseling each person needs to determine what they will do about that.  God knows our hearts and He is probably not as quick to judge situations as we do. Seek God’s guidance and, YOU and GOD decide what you need to do to stay spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy.

6.         Get over yourself. Stop sulking every time you’re offended and stop being such a namby-pamby (old people’s words). This marriage is not always about you and your hurtful feelings over petty irritations and offenses.

7.         Laugh…for goodness sakes. We need to loosen up and laugh about things that won’t matter a “hill of beans” at the end of the day. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

8.         There is no Plan “B”. Make a determined choice to stay in the marriage. I hear the laments of older people saying that “young people these days” don’t stick it out.  As soon as they hear “I don’t love you anymore” they run off and find something better. Stick it out. Fight for your marriage and not each other.

 Love is not a feeling, it is action. The bible says it this way: “my beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God….Then it goes on to say…”My dear children, let’s not talk about love; let’s practice real love” 1 John 3:18 MSG).

 Which one of these 8 points will you take away today, and insert it into your marriage to make it last for another 50 years?

.

There must be a bit of Cinderella syndrome in us. I confess that every once in a while I love to curl up with my duvet and watch several episodes of Say “yes” to the Dress. I know it’s corny; but there is something magical about watching a woman emerge from a dressing room in a vision of sequence, pearls, silk and layers of beading and stitched elegance. It’s what we envisioned, talked about, practiced from the time we were little girls. Even though we may have already experienced our own enchanted, glorious wedding day, we can still live vicariously through a T.V. show.

Unfortunately getting our husbands to watch a show with endless wedding dresses was not part of his wedding vows when we exchanged promises to honor, cherish and obey. Neither did we agree to sign up for watching football three days a week. Don’t get me wrong; I really do love football, but I must confess that after about 3 hours I am not that interested in how many yards Tim Tebow rushed and the interpretation of each penalty. I want to ask, “So is it true that so and so bought his wife a 2 million dollar diamond ring?” I know that men just don’t get that. There really should be other covenants in the marriage vows for our husbands to sign off on. Such as:

1.         That you will go Christmas shopping with me.

2.         That you will listen to me blabber endlessly about my job when I get home at night.

3.         That you know how to pitch socks into a clothes hamper at 15 feet.

4.         That you know how to change a light bulb in a clothes dryer.

5.         That you will know when I am tired and need help around the house.

6.         That you can interpret my “no’s when I mean “yes.”

There are some things worth fighting for, and some we need to let go. By now we realize we are different people, and God has put us together in a marriage to learn from each other, to grow stronger, and to sandpaper each other so that we can become better people.  

There are some things that give women pleasure that men simply won’t understand. That’s OK, because for those things we have our girlfriends. Nobody understands us better than girlfriends. We just have to talk, and nobody can laugh or cry over nothing like girlfriends. If we spent 4 hours with a girlfriend watching a football game, we would probably re-design their uniforms, try to imagine what their wives and lives are like, and laugh about…well anything. Our husbands will probably never understand how we can talk for hours and not come up with any solutions or fix anything. We are women; we need to talk and watch sitcoms with lots of wedding dresses.  Men don’t need to talk, they want to watch football and fix things.

I am so grateful that my husband will sit with me through at least one episode of “Say YES to the Dress”, but soon he slips away and next I know he’s watching football. That’s OK-we let each other have freedom to enjoy those things our brains are wired for. 

But the wedding vows did say to “cherish”; and that’s what we should do. The Greek word for cheris is “Thalpo”… to soften by heat, as of birds covering their young with their feathers. To foster tender care as of Christ and the Church.”  It is the “heat” in our marriage that has the potential help us understand soften our thoughts and actions toward our husbands. It is to cherish all the wonderful things they do in our marriage-and there are so many. When we take the time to write down all the things we are grateful for in our marriage, we will realize we really do have wonderful husbands. For those things they don’t enjoy doing with us; well thank goodness for our girlfriends.

When you get together with your girlfriends, what kind of picture do you paint of your husband? I ask this question because the answer to this may determine the type of authority and leadership your husband exercises in your marriage and home.  I am saddened and horrified that I see an escalating movement on television commercials and sitcoms depicting men as stupid, lazy, and dumb. And we wonder why many men are relinquishing their God given authority of leadership in our homes and even churches and workplaces. We wonder why men are withdrawing and finding pleasure not in the marriages and families, but behind their toys, sports programs and recreational activities. 

 The pictures we paint of our husband will have a unique and powerful effect on the way they respond to us. I realize I have opened a can of worms because this is a catch 22 situation. You, the reader may be thinking right now that your husband is all those things I listed above, and he does not deserve to have a great picture painted of him. You can’t wait to get together with your girlfriends to unleash all the things he is NOT doing for you. But I continue to say that the picture we paint of them will determine who they eventually will become.

Last night (January 13^th, 2012) I was fascinated by the interview Piers Morgan conducted with Mark Wahlberg. Mark is an actor, film producer, former rapper, former prisoner, Oscar winner and husband and father of 4 children. Mark was very open about his faith and he probably shocked the whole nation when he openly declared that he goes to “church every morning and prays for fifteen to twenty minutes. He shared that this gives him the strength and power to make good choices throughout the day. He also painted a gorgeous picture of his wife and children. Through his words he upheld her with love, beauty and respect.  I will guarantee that any woman that hears that kind of picture painted of her, will do everything in her power to be that woman.  So how we do that in our homes?

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Did we start painting weak pictures of men because they are weak; or did we emasculate them through the way we treat and depict them?  Whatever the answer is; TODAY is the date we can do something about it. Be assured; if you have painted a bad picture of your husband with your friends, family or even your home, this communication will come back to him. This picture will be absorbed into his brain and, over time, he will eventually become who you painted him to be. “If that’s what she thinks of me; why even bother?”

If you want your husband to take authority and leadership in your home, stop making him feel inadequate and stop controlling all his authority. There are two (2) things that your husband feared when he married you.

1.         That he would be inadequate.

2.         That he would be controlled by you.

I fully believe that you and I both want a husband who will take care of us, treat us with love and beauty. You and God have the ability and power to make him into that man by the pictures you paint of him.

In my first marriage, my husband did not exercise the kind of leadership that I needed and I believe that over time I emasculated him and his authority. Once I realized that I had done that, I began to pray. Almost every day I prayed that:

1.         First of all God would teach me “how to love him the way he needed to be loved.”

2.         That I would treat him with respect.

3.         That I would not take over his authority; but to let him reap his own consequences of his             mistakes.

4.         That I would not control him.

5.         That would not paint a bad picture of him and make him feel inadequate.

What is the visual picture you have of your husband right now? If it’s not the picture you want or need; then repaint it into which you need him to be.  With your prayers, love and support and repainting the picture, OVER TIME, I believe he will become “your man!”

Every News Years Day my husband and I go for a long “New Years Walk”. On this sojourn we talk about the previous year; the blessings, joys, celebrations and what worked and what did not work. Then we move on to our hopes, dreams, desires for the coming year. We also discuss practical items; that we need a new dishwasher and we will probably have to replace the roof in the next couple of years.  Now comes the hard stuff.  We give each other permission to express our thoughts and feelings about what we want the other person to STOP and to START.

This is where the “proceed with caution” warning comes in. We have to realize we are all sensitive human beings; especially when we start to examine our characters, habits, idiosyncrasies and faults. But in order to grow as human beings, and learn to enrich our marriage relationship, we have to tackle those dark, “do not touch” topics. It is crucially important that we approach this conversation with an open heart and understanding; and that we must take care not to get defensive, or feel rejection and blame.  On the other hand; we have to be bold to express our concerns; but they must be lathered in love and with the intent to UNLEARN bad or hurtful behavior and LEARN to grow in compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

It might go something like this:

1.         “Honey, you know how upset I get when we start talking about money. Can we please START a new rule to NOT talk about money after 10:00 P.M.? Let’s pick a time when we are not tired; but open minded and fresh enough to discuss money rationally.”  

2.         “The toughest part of the day for me is between 5:00 and 7:00 when supper needs to get on the table; and the children need baths and bedtime stories. While the children are young, could I ask you to please START to come home from work a little earlier to give me more support during this crucial time. I need more help from you and here’s some ways you can make this time easier for all of us.” (Then list some specific, practical ways they can help.)

3.         “Sometimes I feel like your computer, i-pad and phone are more important than the people in the room. It really hurts me to think that those items take precedence over the people you love.While we are together as a family, could I please ask you to STOP spending so much time on your computer gadgets?”

 4.        “I know that you want to take care of your family and provide well for us. I must confess that the hours you spend at the office, golfing and at the gym are making me feel those things are more important than your family.  I miss you and we need to figure out how we can spend more time together talking, laughing and enjoying each other. What can you do to STOP being away from the house so much?”

These are some examples of tough conversations that need to take place if you want your marriage and family life to flourish.  The bible says, “My dear children, let’s not talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves” (1 John 3:18-20 MSG),

One of the key words in these verses is the word PRACTICE. This is accomplished through LEARNING and UNLEARNING.  Why not get serious this year and help your marriage to flourish through having your first STOP-START New Year’s Walk. It will be tough…but worth it. I guarantee it.

Generally speaking, for many women Christmas preparations have become an intense journey of “climbing the Christmas Hill.” It starts somewhere in November (or earlier if you’re more organized than I am) and begins with the climb towards completing all the Christmas obligations and responsibilities before the blessed Christmas Eve.  One step, one day, one more trip up the Christmas Mountain. Trying to squeeze in a year’s worth of house parties, friendship connections, Christmas concerts, staff parties, church banquets, music programs, open houses, cards, baking, shopping, house cleaning, presents, (and more) into a mere 22 days or less.  By Christmas morning some of you are white with fatigue, and trying very hard to be the happy, cheerful elf handing out all the beautifully wrapped gifts.

I asked my husband why most of this falls onto the woman’s shoulder. He explained it to me very simply. “Honey, he said, most of us men don’t know how to do all that Christmas stuff. We’re simply not good at it.  I would rather wash your car, change light bulbs or peel potatoes. I don’t know how to bake; I’m a terrible wrapper and I don’t believe in buying a lot of gifts that nobody needs.” A light bulb went on for me and I totally understood. It has changed the way I climb the Christmas Hill and spurred me on to overcome many obligations and more toward more freedom.

 We both decided we would no longer send out Christmas cards; instead we send out Happy New Year or Valentines cards to all our friends and family.  Our shopping, baking and entertaining has been chopped to the point where we both feel free to enjoy the Christmas season with family and friends. I just did all my Christmas shopping a week ago and wrapped my presents yesterday.  Years ago I would have spend weeks on shopping and wrapping. We focus more on giving to charities that we believe in, rather than bombarding people with more gifts they don’t need.

 It may seem that men are simply too lazy to help out, or they just don’t care. But I believe they use this façade to cover for the fear of failing, or doing it wrong.  My husband’s response has completely re-defined how I view Christmas.  I refuse to be the martyr and I have stopped trying to by the Christmas Woman Super Hero. I keep telling my daughter, “Honey, you don’t have to do it all; there are no rewards for this.”

 Over the past years it has hurt my heart to ponder on the fact that we are wearing ourselves out, supposedly preparing a celebration for Jesus’ Birthday but He never gets invited. Christmas has become about US not JesUS. If it hurts my heart, imagine how it must hurt the heart of the ONE who came into this world to save us from ourselves. 

If you are feeling tired and frustrated with the “Christmas Hill” right now, stop and have an intimate conversation with your husband (and the rest of your family). Stop and make some BOLD CHOICES to de-define what Christmas means to you and your family.  Jesus came into this world to teach us about freedom. Make a bold choice to bring that back into your life….your marriage…your family…your heart.

It was supposed to be a great weekend.  My husband was away with the military so I had planned a fun weekend with my three boys.  I had rented a movie for Friday night and then on Saturday we were going for a play and lunch date at a friend’s house. Sunday would be church and a quiet afternoon of football and some games. Then everything changed at supper when my oldest son Noah said, “Mom I don’t feel very good.”  I told him to finish supper and then surely he would feel better.  As the night wore on it was clear that he was not going to feel better and it was going to get drastically worse.  Looking after one sick kid is one thing, however I have three boys ranging in age from 7, 4.5 and 6 months old.  Looking after my oldest son, who was feeling worse by the minute and taking care of the baby, was proving to be quite the challenge.  I set up the middle child, Micah to look after the baby and then I set about trying to help Noah who was now in tears over an empty bucket. 

I called my husband to inform him of what was going and that he may need to come home but I would keep him posted and hopefully it would all blow over.  About half an hour later it did blow over with Noah puking in the hall and the bathroom floor and everywhere but the toilet.  I began cleaning up the mess and then the baby, Joshua, started crying.  Oh dear.  How am I going to do this?  I called in some reinforcements from a friend.  She came and helped look after the baby and read books to Micah.  I got everyone to bed with my friend’s help and then began the task of cleaning up.  I thanked my friend, sent her home and then went to check on the boys.  As I got closer to the boys room it was clear that something was wrong.  My oldest, Noah had gotten sick all over his bed and fallen back asleep.  He was covered.  Oh dear.  I called my husband again and told him he needed to make arrangements to come home as soon as he could.  He said he would try to be home Saturday sometime. 

I then began the difficult task of cleaning up Noah and his room.  Well he wasn’t done being sick and he continued to do so for the next several hours.  I phoned my husband again and said you need to come home now because I cannot do this on my own especially because of the baby.  My husband said he would see what he could do and call me back in a few minutes.  See my husband was out of town so coming home was not a simple 5 minute drive.  He phoned me back and said he would be home in three hours.  Praise god he had heard me.  My husband had heard me and was coming home to help.

Isn’t it nice to be heard?  I mean really heard.  Too often in a marriage we don’t really hear what the other spouse is saying.  As women we are guilty of saying things but not really saying anything.  Oh come on, you know what I mean.  Telling your husband in a hundred different ways you want something but not coming out and actually saying in plain English what it is you are seeking.  Our husbands are amazing but they are not mind readers.  Husbands are equally guilty of not listening.  To get your spouse to listen to you, you need to make sure you have their undivided attention.  Not doing so can cause problems.  It certainly has for me.  When I tell my husband Rod exactly what is wrong and what I need, he can begin to formulate a plan to help me.  Husbands love to help.  They love to rescue the women in their lives, however they need to know what is wrong. 

Are you being heard?  What do you need to do today to get your spouse to hear you?  Asking yourself these questions could change the communication lines in your marriage.  Perhaps you’re in a situation where you feel you cannot even talk to your spouse.  Then you need to take your requests to God.  He will hear you.   In the book of Psalms there are many verses that speak of God hearing our prayers.  Psalm 62:8 says, “Trust in Him (God) at all times, O people; Pour your heart before Him.”  God will hear you.  I can promise you that.  Pray too for your spouse.  Pray that they may have listening ears to hear what you are saying.  Furthermore, say what you want.  Be as clear and concise as you can be when talking to your spouse.

So for me, I was heard this time.  It may not always be that way but in this situation Rod heard me and I am grateful for that.

“What comes out of you when life squeezes you?” I think about that quite a bit actually, because I’ve had a bit of “squeezing” going on in my life. No matter how I act, or “fake it until I make it”…when life squeezes me, the REAL ME SHOWS UP! It’s not always pretty, but it is the truth. How does this reality affect your marriage; because life can be tough.

©       You find out a child has an addiction.

©       The balance in the bank account is so much lower than you anticipated.

©       You find out your spouse had an affair, or a friend deceived you.

©       Your career change is so much harder than anticipated.

©       Your spouse will not take on spiritual leadership.

©       You found pornographic sites on your spouse’s computer.

©       Some you love-dies.

©       You lost your job.

©       You got a life threatening Doctor’s report.

©       Your daughter told you she is pregnant…. and her son tells you he is getting a divorce. 

 All these things have a huge impact on your emotional state and have the power to pull you and your spouse apart, OR grow closer.  You have heard me say this and I will say it again; “Marriage is hard work, but NEVER GIVE UP!”

 When life squeezes you, there may be different reactions to different events. You may become angry, defensive, blame another person, go into depression or withdraw.  To get through these tough times, please remember my reader friends; that your goal is to “fight the GOOD fight” and not fight with each other. How do you “fight the good fight”: and continue to love each other through these harsh realities? The answers are right in God’s word out of the book of Ephesians Chapter 4.

 1.         BE ANGRY BUT GET OVER IT. “Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.”

2.         DON’T BLAME. “Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.” Seek to understand rather than to be understood (Covey).

3.         BE KIND AND FORGIVE; EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. “Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

4.         ADMIT YOUR FAULTS.“Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayers of a righteous man have great power and wonderful results” (James 5:16 NLT).

5.         TELL GOD WHAT YOU NEED.“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’ peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand” (Phil., 4:6,7).

 When you wake up in the middle of the night and your mind is whirling with anger, doubt, confusion and angst, here are a couple of ways you can incorporate some simple but powerful truths.

i.          Get out of bed and write your problem on a piece of paper.  If you love to journal; take the time to write down your emotions and tell God exactly how you feel.

ii.         Change your worry words into prayer words. Here are some examples.

ü      Instead of worry and saying: “God, why aren’t you doing something; why is nothing changing?” – Say: “God, I know you make everything beautiful in YOUR time. I choose to trust you during this painful time.”

ü      Instead worry and saying:  “God why am I so tired, overwhelmed and why are there so many struggles in my life?” Say: “God you say to come to you when I am weary; so I ask that you help me find time to hide away with you so that I can get a clearer perspective on my life.”

ü      Instead of worry and saying: “God, I feel so broken, gritty and angry and I don’t think my marriage will ever be restored. “ Say: “God, I know that you restore all things. When trees burn down, they grow again. When a bone breaks, it heals, when my heart breaks; You are the healer of broken hearts. I know you will restore everything in my life BECAUSE YOU ARE GOD!

These are simple concepts but difficult to incorporate because they take some hard work.  Ask God to help you get started!  God will hear your cry of help and give you the wisdom, power and strength to get through this difficult time.  I know, because God has heard my cries of anguish over the years and He has always picked me up and set me back on my feet.  There is only one hitch; YOU need to take the first, bold step.

Manipulation:I once heard a well known speaker/author-namely Beth Moore, say that “Anything we have to manipulate is rarely ours to keep.” Those words have been seared into my soul because they are so true. Manipulation can be used for good or bad, but its ultimate goal is mostly self serving.  We contrive something to happen by using other people’s emotions to attain our goal. Let me give you an example:

I was raised in a German family and nothing could motivate me faster than guilt and fear. Guilt is one of the most powerful manipulation tools; but leaves a trail of emotional destruction. It makes the other person feel obligated to perform, and its effects are usually short term but can build up years of resentment, anger, bitterness and withdrawal. Other words for manipulation are: Control, maneuver, operate, stage-manage. These are all damaging words when it comes to getting something we want from each other.

Here is how it can negatively affect your marriage and family:

1. You may feel you need a certain number of vacations a year, or you like to constantly re-decorate your home or feel pressured to put your children into too many activities.  When you have to manipulate your spouse to agree with those things that may not be right for your family at the present time, it has the potential to put you into debt; breed resentment in your spouse, and invite unnecessary chaos.
2. You may be trying to get your children to take out the garbage, cut the grass or do their own laundry. If you do this through controlling, guilt or intimidation; you are not teaching them anything. They do it out of obligation, not out of a sense of responsibility or simply being a team player in the family.
3. When we manipulate our husband or children through guilt, fear, intimidation, we are using their emotions to get what we want.  We are being deceitful and treat them like an object for getting our way. This shows a dreadful lack of respect.
4. We are being dishonest with ourselves and modeling dishonesty to our children.
5. We are alienating ourselves from our spouses.  They will begin to distrust us and withdraw.

 Influence:There is nothing more gorgeous than a woman of influence; one who is confident in who she is and uses her power and authority to affect change through inspiration and encouragement. Yes, influence can also be negative, but I believe we all want our influence to be constructive, honest and to bring about beautiful life change.  A woman/wife of influence:

1. Prays for her husband and children for wisdom to make the right choices.
2. Influences through love and grace.  Her ambition is not self-serving; her aspirations are always to inspire the best for every member of the family.
3. She listens to other objections and weights them with wisdom.
4. Instead of using the other person’s weaknesses as a tool for manipulation, she sees it as a place to build confidence and value in that person’s life.
5. A woman of influence has a goal to be a Godly woman, who respects her husband and children.
6. She sees her influence as a long term goal, and not short term satisfaction.
7. She longs to leave a legacy of love, rather than a trail of resentment, anger and dissention.

I know I have the power of manipulation. I can read different people’s emotions and I can come up with the right words to get my way. But I have learned that I am actually lying to myself when I do this, and it leaves a bad taste in my heart.  I want to be a Godly woman of influence; one that uses her God given authority to change the heart of the people in her life into beauty and long lasting value.

What about you?

I had a fascinating encounter with one of my colleagues last week. As I walked by his work area I saw him pulling items out of his lunch cooler and describing each item to a customer.  The encounter looked so intriguing that I was curious to see what all the fuss was about. I went up to his counter and say, “So Colin (not his real name), what’s going on here?”  His face lit up and he could hardly wait to show me his lunch. “Look at these barbecued ribs, a salad with homemade dressing on the side and real bacon bits. And look, here are roasted potatoes, a drink, cutlery, salt and pepper and a little dessert.” My mouth hung open and I said, “Wow, you go to a lot of trouble with your lunches.” “Oh no”, he responded, “My wife always packs my lunch. She’s amazing!”

Now my mouth hung open even further. Then I told him, “Do you know how lucky you are, because if you were married to me, I would not be packing your lunches. My husband and I pack our own lunches.” Then he continued to inform me that his wife does not work; he is the breadwinner. He in fact, brings home the bacon and she cooks it.  Then he sealed the conversation with these rich words, “I treat her like a queen and she loves doing things for me. I tell her every day how much I love and appreciate everything she does for me. I love what I do, and she loves what she does.”

I walked away with a smile on my face because I just heard the story of a husband and wife who felt fulfilled in their respective roles.  I saw the absolute joy in my friend’s life as he talked about his wife; his love for her was radiantly obvious.  This was not a newly married couple; they have been married for years and have several children, and yet throughout their journey, they have been able to forge out their necessary roles. They made a sacrificial choice for his wife to stay home to raise the children. They obviously honored each other in their respective situations.

I’m not staying this is the perfect template or module for families. This works for their family. Each family has to define their roles, and then to honor and respect each other in those roles.

©      I know several families where the decision has been made for the dad to be the stay-at-home parent while the children are growing up. One of my sons-in-laws did this for several years and helped to raise phenomenal boys.

©      When both husband and wife work, decisions have to be made where the responsibilities are split so that each member of the family feels fulfilled but not overwhelmed.

©      When my children were little, I did not feel fulfilled being at home every day with my little ones. After my husband agreed that I could take on a part time job; those few hours out of the house stimulated my mind enough to make my days at home with the children a joy and a privilege.

We all need encouragement in our roles, because most days many of us are weary. If we do not feel fulfilled; we will build up resentment and we will not do things for each other with the joy that I saw in my friend’s eyes. 

If you and your spouse feel weary, resentful or angry about “all the things you have to do” and you don’t get any help; it’s time to start some serious conversations about defining your roles.

God designed marriage to be GOOD, and I pray that none of you settle for less.

If you read my blog on a regular basis, you are familiar with my consistent inspiration to “show respect to your husband.” Yet, there is a yellow caution line that we need to be aware of; and that warning line is about knowing the difference between respect and enabling. This is where the danger lies.  Women are natural nurturers and nurses.  Many women feel it is their responsibility to make sure everyone and everything in life runs according to her inner, visual blueprint of life.  Let me explain the difference:

Respect:  The bible tells us in Ephesians 5:33 “…and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband-obeying, praising and honoring him.”

We can give people respect when we see and acknowledge their God given characteristics and potential to grow and become more like Christ.  We show them respect so that it will “call out” their inner values and help them to grow and over time be nurtured into something beautiful.

Enabling: When we see their consistent immoral, abusive or wrong behavior, but continue to cover for them, and allow them to “get away with it.”

I love football, so let me give you an example of how this might work on a football team. The coach is there to train and “pull out” all the best potential of his players; to encourage them, respect them, train them and give them all the tools to help them become the very best players in the country.  Let’s say there is one particular player that has incredible potential, and the coach shows him tremendous respect by spending extra time with him and giving him extra advice.  As gifted as this player might be, he continues to stay out late at night drinking, breaking the rules and showing up late for practice time and time again. The coach tried showing him respect and giving him all the tools he needed to become one of the best players, but the player continues to ignore the coach’s instructions and warnings. If the coach continues to allow this player to break the rules and not adhere to the coach’s warnings; the coach would be enabling this player’s bad behavior.

That’s also how it works in a marriage.  Your husband may be the most wonderful man on planet earth, but if he is abusive, an alcoholic, addicted to pornography or any other behaviors that are hurting you and your family, and you are allowing it to continue without any consequences; you are enabling his bad behavior.

This is not an easy topic. What do you do if your husband is, to the rest of the world, a moral, upstanding Christian man, serving his church and community; yet behind closed doors he is an alcoholic or abusive?  It is not your responsibility to cover for him and protect him. You have to make a bold choice to “NOT DANCE THAT DANCE ANYMORE!” You are not responsible for his behavior; you are responsible for your own soul. You will not stand before God one day and have to account for his behavior; you are accountable only to yours.  Find help for you! Find the kinds of assistance that will help you to become strong enough to know when it stops begin respect and starts the pattern of enabling. We are all needy people, and want to believe in the people we love. For so many years I thought that if I loved people enough they would change; but sometimes “love is not enough.” Sometimes it takes a loving, harsh NO to stop the dance, and begin a long journey of healing-for both of you.