UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Sex or Love

I rarely bring up the topic of sex, because I don’t want “sex lurkers” hitting my blog and web site. But I do need to address this topic because it sensuously invades almost every aspect of our lives. It is the glaring lure or innuendo behind many billboards, sitcoms, TV commercials, romance novels and movies.  It seems as though sex is the driving force that titillates us to catch our attention.  Yes, sex is a very important part of a healthy, beautiful marriage relationship, but we need to understand how it truly fulfills us. God said that “it is not good for man to be alone”; and He created us to enjoy the beauty and fulfillment of that intimate union. But we have to understand that it is the culmination of love, not the initiation to a healthy, long lasting relationship.

 For Women:

We are the emotional creatures and for most women “sex starts in the brain.” I actually say that “sex starts in the kitchen.” If we feel that our husbands meet our physical needs when we need help, feel overwhelmed or listen to us, our brain responds with gratitude and love. When we feel emotionally loved, we can respond physically. But when women are constantly fatigued with the demands of raising children, careers or constant stress and do not get the affirmation and attention and help from their husbands, it is hard for women to respond sexually.

Note to the men that subscribe to this blog: “Fill your wife’s emotional needs and she will respond physically.”

 For Men:

Some of the best understanding on this topic is in the book written by Shauntie Feldhahn, called For Women Only[1]. In chapter 5 of this book she describes in great detail the sexual needs for men.  In a nut shell: “For men sex fills a powerful emotional need.” So you see, this is completely opposite to a woman’s perspective on sex. Sex gives man confidence and assurance that his wife loves him. One man said it this way, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight the fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me. Making love is the salve for that loneliness.”

Note to women: “Fill your husband’s sexual needs and he will respond emotionally.”

All of us are crying out for love in different ways. Especially in our marriages we have to understand each other’s needs so that they can be fulfilled. But the foundation for sex has to be LOVE-otherwise it is just another physical act that will get familiar, boring and loose its pleasure.  God gave us this most beautiful, intimate act to create fulfilling, lasting and pleasurable relationships.  Understanding our feeling is the beginning of healing. I hope this blog helps.


[1] Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only, (Atlanta, Georgia: Multnomah publishers 2004), 91-108.

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One Response to “UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Sex or Love”

  1. Finally someone has the beautiful mind to address the topic that borders so much on women mind yet the feeling of fear or what people will say stop many women in marriage from enjoying the one gift God has given to be admired, used, loved in marriage. Understandable sex is something nobody wants to talk about yet needs to be discussed as couple, between married couples less one might suffer from lack of attention, satisfaction etc. hopefully people can begin to air their view and learn wisely how to approach the subject.

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