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UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – “IF YOU HAD ONE WISH”

Posted in Anticipation, Beauty through Boldness, Commitment, Expectations, Friendship, Good Marriage, Intimacy, Life of Jesus, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, Pleasure, Prayer, Resentment, Uncategorized, Understanding each other with tags , , , , , , , on April 13, 2013 by hmclaughlin

Girl Dressed as a Fairy for a Birthday Party
If I had one wish that would get answered with the snap of a finger, it would be “to help restore marriages so that everyone can enjoy the pleasure and intimacy in the way God designed marriages to be.” It breaks my heart to see spouses angry, unhappy, resentful and turning to the searing pain of divorce.

If you had one wish for YOUR marriage to make it the way you envisioned it to be, what would that be? But let’s take it one step further, because marriages need more than a wish and a swish of a magical wand. A wish can sometimes look like this: Wishing you spouse would stop leaving socks on the floor, start putting down the toilet seat, stop playing so much golf, stop working so much, start helping with the children at bath time. Wishing something supernaturally would fall from the sky to change the dynamics and picture.

Let’s change that “wishing” to an “expectation.”
They look the same but there is a difference. “Expectations” put action (legs) to the word “wish”. We EXPECT something to happen or change. We no longer TOLERATE the status quo and we work towards helping to make that change. We open our hearts to embrace the change that needs to happen and we will assist, co-operate, make plans and partner with our spouses to bring about the needed change. Here are some examples:
1. My friend Larry’s wife had an aneurysm and he wrote about it on my previous blog. He did not just “wish” his wife Janet to heal and recover; he expected it to happen. He made a commitment to his wife to live up to his marriage vows. Every day he prays and asks God for help, he expects his friends and neighbors to jump in and help when necessary, and he actually puts words to his requests so that he knows this will happen.
2. In my first marriage I always wished that my husband would know when I was tired and needed help in the kitchen. I wished he would take his eyes off the Monday night football TV screen and rush into the kitchen or laundry room to help me. It never happened. I was no longer satisfied with the present status quo and realized my “wishing” was getting me nowhere. I then used words to express my “expectations” that I needed help and clearly explained what that help looked like. It perpetuated the desired change.
3. In my present marriage I expect my husband to help me with my income tax, advise me on my car repairs, speak to me kindly and to take out the garbage each Monday. I don’t just “wish” for this to happen, I have put words to those expectations and we have a mutual understanding that this will transpire. It does.

Because of my husband’s and my mutual desire to have a loving, strong and intimate marriage, we don’t silently wish for something to happen, we use words to express our expectations and then EXPECT them to happen. When they don’t happen, we talk about it.

Turning a wish into an expectation can turn resentment into appreciation and love. But we can’t successfully do this on our own, we need God’s help to guide us through this process. The Bible puts it this way: “In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation” (Psalm 5:3 NIV).

We pray to God with clear words of expectation for Him to help us in our marriage. Marriage can be hard and we need a supernatural power to guide us through the complicated maze of turning wishes into fulfilling expectations. This is much bigger than ourselves; God created marriage to be good and He is the One who can help make this happen.
What is one wish…no expectation…that you have for your marriage? Ask God help you and then expect it to happen.

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UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – 8 THINGS WOMEN DISLIKE WHAT MEN DO.

Posted in Beauty through Boldness, Communication, Control, Encouragement, Expectations, Finding Truth, Friendship, Good Marriage, Hope, Intimacy, Kindness, Life of Jesus, Listening, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, Pleasure, Power of the Tongue, Tension, Uncategorized, Understanding each other, Valued with tags , , , , , , on February 16, 2013 by hmclaughlin

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No wonder there is conflict in marriages. After conducting these surveys I am convinced that men and women come from two different planets. But we are all magnificently and wonderfully made and it is up to us to unleash the mystery of our polarities. I believe with all my heart that God puts two people together to “sandpaper them into the glorious creations He designed them to become.” Let’s not sabotage that process due to our ignorance. OK men, are you ready to hear what women dislike what you do or don’t do?
PLEASE READ TO THE END OF THE BLOG FOR A POWERFUL AND PRACTICAL CHALLENGE.
1. Clam-up Charlie-This one spoke so loud I almost had to cover my ears. Women dislike it that men dismiss the value of honest and forthright communication.
• When they clam up and not say anything because they feel that what they say “won’t matter anyway.”
• When they want you to dismiss the details and get to the bottom line summary.
• When they keep things to themselves and then blow up when it gets to be too much.
• When they hear only what they want to hear.
• Lack of admission when something is bothering them.
2. Eddie the Egomaniac-Many women understand that men find fulfillment in their occupations and providing for their families. But women dislike it when men make their occupation their identity; always talking about how important they are in their line of work. We dislike it when men draw attention to themselves by loudly proving their bravado through exaggerated stories of their conquests.
3. Put-Down Paul-It is extremely hurtful and disrespectful when men put down their spouses in the presence of other people. When men are sarcastic, or make a joke about something their spouses did, it is embarrassing for everyone.
4. Sexist Sam-We dislike the feeling that we have to earn credibility to speak intelligently with men. Sexist and disrespectful comments are not acceptable anymore. We no longer want you to behave superior toward us. We no longer want to feel as though are you are saying: “Oh brother, what could she have to say that could possibly be worthwhile.”
5. Crude Dude Dan-Women do not appreciate men with poor hygiene, who swear, use foul language, make dirty jokes, and display poor manners publicly and privately. Women don’t like it when men “ogle” other women and make suggestive sexist comments.
6. Big Boy Bobbie-This is a man all grown up and still living in a little boy body. He is the one who does not help out in the kitchen but is first in line when the food shows up. He assumes his wife will treat him like his mother did, and allow him to continue to play with big boy toys and focus his leisure time toward fulfilling his own selfish desires.
7. Lack Luster Larry-Lack of initiating romance. His idea of romance is to take his wife to Tool Time Depot and then stop off for a beer on the way home. That romance is all for him, and does not even come close to meeting the needs of a woman.
8. Insecure Ivan-Women know when men are insecure-they can’t hide it behind their bravado. Confidence is one of the most attractive traits in men and women have. Women love a confident man who will treat her as an equal and show her the respect she deserves. Don’t assume women need money or wealth to satisfy them, women need a confident man to make a woman feel loved, safe and cared for.
Other comments:
• Dressed to “kill” and then become sloppy once they “have their girl.”
• Not finishing projects around the house. (Guys this was a huge pet peeve for many women).
• Answering the phone in the middle of a conversation.
• Leaving “stuff” laying around all over the house and not picking up after yourself.
• Generalizing. “You women always….”
• Leaving dirty dishes BESIDE the dishwasher.
• Not changing the toilet paper roll.
• Leaving cupboard doors open.
We’ve gleaned some valuable information over the last few weeks. Let’s use these comments to strengthen our understanding. What became glaringly obvious is that we need to learn to communicate better. To strengthen our communication, I invite you to enter into a powerful challenge with your husband or significant other. This will sum up all that we’ve learned and will revolutionize your relationship. Ask each other this question and then act on it.
“What are your top 3 needs?” Once you take the time to unleash this question, you will arrive at your greatest understanding of each other. Once we all make that this focal point of our relationships, we will all be amazed at what God can do to make our marriages “very good.”
Then act on this verse: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).
May God enrich your marriages beyond what you can comprehend.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – 8 MORE THINGS MEN DISLIKE WHAT WOMEN DO. (Part 2)

Posted in Beauty from the Inside Out, Communication, Encouragement, Expectations, Finding Truth, Friendship, Good Marriage, Intimacy, Kindness, Life of Jesus, Listening, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, Pleasure, Power of the Tongue, power of words, Respect, SEX, Tension, Understanding each other with tags , , , , on February 7, 2013 by hmclaughlin

Woman-lightbulk
I have had some very interesting conversations with men in the last couple of weeks. My dear reader, if we truly pursue to understand what is going on in a man’s mind, we can build bridges to greater understanding and in turn we will receive the love we so desperately need. I believe most women are eager to please our husbands, children, family, boss and friends. If we have a clearer picture of what is expected of us, and in turn make the men in our lives aware of our needs, this knowledge builds a great foundation for loving and joyful relationships. So let’s take another glimpse into the mystery of a man’s mind. Today these points are in not in any order of priority.
9. The Beauty Queen-These women think their looks will get them whatever they want. They can’t walk in front of a mirror without constantly primping. Unfortunately this behavior is due to their insecurities and they often have no personality of depth of character due to their superficial nature. (Their exact words).
10. Sanctimonious Susie-She proudly wears her purity like a coat and looks down her nose at anyone who is not as righteous or proper as she is.
11. Come Lately-Women who are constantly late. It’s aggravating. Period.
12. The Bulldozer-Women who have mistaken aggressiveness for assertiveness. They run over others rarely recognizing they are also bullies…in their own way. Some women feel, that to be accepted into a man’s world, they need to act tough and loud.
13. Selfish Sally-When a woman won’t support her spouse during a rough financial period. She insists on maintaining a certain level of lifestyle even when it becomes a hardship on the whole family.
14. Martha the Martyr-This woman takes on all sorts of duties, responsibilities and chores beyond her normal load. This satisfies her need for attention and accolades but neglects to make her husband and her family the No. 1 priority in her life. It makes the spouse feel that he is playing “second fiddle”.
15. Disrespectful Dorothy-There is probably nothing more damaging and hurtful than when a spouse does not show her husband respect. Each woman needs to know that her spouse needs respect more than anything in his life.
16. The Guild Monger-This woman knows how to ask a question or make a statement so that it evokes guilt. She uses this deadly tool to motivate her husband to do something she needs or wants.
17. Lazy Lottie-When a wife’s main stimulus is TV, romance novels, gossip and social media. And the next words are directly from a man’s mouth….”When they let themselves go to pieces after the wedding.”

My dear friends, if any of these words “fit” I think we need to own them. Even though this is my second marriage, and I have been married for many, many years, I continue to be amazed at how much I can learn about the mysterious opposite sex.

There is truly nothing more fulfilling and joyful than when we are in a harmonious relationship with our spouses and families. We can all have this! When you and I said “I do” on our wedding day, we dreamed of having a blissful life. Yes, life throws us curve balls and our days are full of surprises, but with some hard work, we can have the kind of marriage that God intended when He said, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

Let’s allow the rough spots in our marriages to “sandpaper” us into the beautiful people God designed us to be.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – 8 THINGS MEN DISLIKE WHAT WOMEN DO. (Part 1)

Posted in Anticipation, Communication, Control, Encouragement, Expectations, Finding Truth, Forgiveness, Friendship, Hope, Intimacy, Listening, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, Power of the Tongue, Resentment, Respect, SEX, Tension, Understanding each other with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2013 by hmclaughlin

Man woman discussing.1
To unravel the mystery of a man’s mind, we women need practical and useful information. That’s what I set out to discover. I conducted a survey amongst some of my favorite men, and asked them to provide me with a list of things they “dislike what women do.” Here are their top responses.
I give credit to my friend Darrell who provided some names for women’s actions:
1. Diva-This was by far the strongest “dislike” amongst the men. This is when women use drama to get their way. This drama can include guilt, exaggeration, tears and acting cute and coy. Women we have to remember that we like to use our emotions; but men are fixers. When we use this drama to get our way, it will either push men away because they don’t know how to handle our emotions, OR they will try to “fix us” as quickly as possible.
2. The Zealot-This woman is a “keeper of the list and rules”, she knows every policy, procedure, collective agreement and statue by heart. She will use her lists and rules to throw the book at you if you have not done your job or broken a rule.
3. Grenade Thrower-This lady will collect the details of all her unmet expectations, each time you looked at her the wrong way or gave a wrong answer, and store them in a box. This box is called “The Resentment Box”. One day you may ask as simple question like: “Honey did you take your car into the dealership for that oil change?” She did not like the question so she opened her box, took out the grenade and watched the shrapnel destroy your manhood.
4. Jail Keeper-Using sex to hold men hostage. You know what I’m talking about.
5. Gossiping Gertie-Sharing private marriage matters with girlfriends. Difficulties in a marriage relationship should be dealt within the context of the marriage, with counselors or mutual close and trusted friends. Men feel disrespected when private matters are hung out like dirty laundry.
6. Assuming Angie-No, men cannot read the assumptions in your head, nor do they understand your facial expressions or body language. If you want a man to do something, ASK HIM…use your words succinctly and kindly.
7. Late Night Fixer-Wanting to “talk about the relationship” at 11:00 p.m. Women we have to find the right time and place to discuss things that will have emotional implications. It’s hard enough for men to deal with emotional, relational issues…let alone when they are being ambushed late at night.
8. 50/50-These ladies expect their spouses (or significant others) to shoulder half of the household chores, child rearing despite having a cleaning lady. However, they do not help with any of the chores around the outside of house. Most husbands to not have a gardener, pool company, handyman or mechanic on site.

Other little pet peeves included:
a. Being asked to pick up their socks.
b. Starting to talk the minute the door is opened at home. Give your husband a few minutes to get settled and anchored.
c. Women who lounge in front of the T.V. in Lulu lemon pants.
d. Comparing your husband to your father.

I am personally grateful for this valuable information because I am on a constant learning curve to have a great marriage. When God designed marriage, He said “marriage was planned for us and that it was meant to be VERY GOOD!” We can all have that great marriage if we take the time to communicate our differences and seek to understand each other. Love is not just a nice fuzzy feeling. It is about learning to accept each other’s quirks and differences. Once we grasp that concept, we can use our differences to make us stronger and better.

Next week I will uncover 8 more great concepts for you to chew on.

UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Skipping Christmas-Saving Tension

Posted in Balancing life, Beauty from the Inside Out, Communication, Encouragement, Expectations, Finding Truth, Freedom from Busyness, Friendship, Hope, Intimacy, Kindness, Life of Jesus, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, Pleasure, Respect, Tension, Understanding each other with tags , , , , on December 1, 2012 by hmclaughlin

*temp*Five years ago my husband Jack and I “skipped Christmas”.  Quite simply, we wanted to know what it felt like to let go of all the Christmas expectations and self imposed tension.  What would a Christmas season be like without waiting in lines, looking for parking spots, finding the perfect gift and feeling exhausted from fulfilling all the traditions and obligations that are supposedly inflicted on us? 

 Just last week I was in a Christmas decoration aisle in a huge department store, buying ribbon for our office party. A young couple was pushing a shopping cart down the aisle and in the middle of an argument. I could see the tension and frustration on her face and the anger in her voice: “This is not just for me you know; this is for OUR Christmas. I am just trying to make it a nice Christmas for OUR family.” Sadly I saw the vacant look in the man’s eyes and I could see he just didn’t get this “Christmas thing.”

 I wish I could l have grabbed them by the shoulders and told them what my I, as a woman, learned about simplifying and enjoying the Christmas season. Here is what I learned the year we “skipped Christmas”:

1.         We have to realize we cram a year’s worth of shopping, baking, wrapping, decorating and entertaining into about 30 days. Realize how impossible this is to do is without tension.

2.         Many women, including myself, feel guilt ridden and responsible for creating the perfect story book Christmas.  The kind we see on magazine covers, TV commercials and then pulling it together like it happened in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Do whatever it takes to get rid of that guilt and those expectations.

3.         We don’t HAVE to send out Christmas cards. Our family now sends out a “Happy New Year” letter toward the end of January when life has settled into a more relaxed and manageable routine.

4.         We don’t HAVE to spend a lot of money on the perfect gift. As a matter of fact, most of us don’t need another new thing that might end up in a cupboard or drawer. We decided as a family to give to organizations that really need our support. The greatest gift we can give each other in this crazy busy life is the “gift of time.” The grandchildren still get presents but make it simple and not exorbitantly priced. Send the extra money to children who really need it.

 5.        Sit down and ask your husband what type of things he would like to do to make Christmas meaningful for him. If he’s not interested in doing all “that stuff”, don’t load yourself with all the self-imposed expectations of creating the story book Christmas. The tension is not worth it.

6.         Simplify the baking. Instead of 10-12 different items, chose 1 or 2 items your family really likes and get the children involved in the baking. Make it fun not stressful.

7.         Pack your Christmas decorations away each year so that the following year it is easy to set them up. For example, I label my containers “kitchen-foyer-dining room table” etc. When I bring the container up from the basement, I open it and plunk these items exactly where they belong. If you need to buy new decorations; buy them AFTER Christmas when they are 70% off the last sale price and there are no long line ups.

8.         It is more important to have harmony and love in our marriage and homes, than to buy into this new marketing scheme called “The Holidays.”

It has been a harsh reality for me to see that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ; yet we don’t invite Jesus to His own birthday party. When I see the Christmas season through this perspective, it hurts my heart to see what I am doing to commercialize this Holy Christmas Season. I need to do whatever I can to stop this insanity.